5 Crucial Keys to Sexual Intimacy

February 29, 2012 — Leave a comment

Have you or someone you know ever said this about their mate: ââ?¬Å?I love himÃ?  . . . but Iââ?¬â?¢m just not in love with him.ââ?¬Â Itââ?¬â?¢s a common occurrence because when we think of being in love, we think of a high, a rush, a falling-in-love experience. High desire, high drive, and a great deal of chemistry often occurs in the beginning of a relationship. There is a greater interest in love- making at the beginning of marriage . . . and then we go back to a ââ?¬Å?sexual set point,ââ?¬Â leaving at least one partner wondering, ââ?¬Å?what happened?ââ?¬Â

It appears we are all born with a sexual set point. At birth, everyone was dealt a hand of hormones. Regarding sexual differences, some are more prone to high sexual desire levels and others to low sexual desire levels, and some are moderately in between the two extremes.

  • A high-desire person (autogenic) thinks about sex many times a day. They fantasize and dream about it . . . and they get cranky if they go a while without it in their marriage.
  • A low-desire person (psychogenic) likes being sexually intimate, but they just don’t think about it nearly as often as the autogenic person, or with the same level of drive. Two-thirds of women do not desire sex until they’re having sex. (20% of men fall into this category, as well.)

Sadly here is what I see all too often:

The Unworkable Unspoken Contract

ââ?¬Å?I expect you to be monogamous but donââ?¬â?¢t expect me to meet your sexual desires or interest.ââ?¬Â

The good news is that most sexual problems (88%) can be solved with accurate and solid information.

Numerous Health Benefits

  • Ã?· Lowers blood pressure
  • Improves cholesterol
  • Increases circulation
  • Burns calories (30 minutes = 200 calories)
  • Regulates appetite
  • Boosts immunity
  • Natural anti-depressant (semen = Zinc, B-12, C and Selenium)
  • Natural painkiller
  • Increases production of collagen
  • Increases cognition
  • Increase bone growth
  • Lowers risk of heart attacks and strokes
  • Reduces stress
  • Improves sleep
  • Increases digestion

The most passionate, intimate, exciting love-making occurs within the commitment of marriage.

5 Crucial Keys to Sexual Intimacy

1. Desire to Desire

The brain is the most powerful sex organ. All you need is the desire to desire to have a wonderful marriage and an enjoyable committed love relationship.

Autogenic Arousal Pattern (sexy body): This partner walks around with a sex- ready body. The prerequisite for sex for the sex-ready person is . . . that they are breathing! They are more easily aroused, easily stimulated, and more intense and often feel misunderstood by their partner. It is physically uncomfortable; it�s as if they can hardly think of anything else and it seems hurtful when their partner doesn�t recognize it, understand or seemingly care about the discomfort of their unexpressed sexual desires. The hurt goes dangerously deep.

Psychogenic Arousal Pattern (sexy brain): This partner walks around with a sex-ready brain that needs to be calmed in order to be ready for sexual intimacy. The Reticular Activating System (RAS) surveys the environment to see if it�s safe, but the bias is always towards the negative. Every stick in the road is a snake. Women�s senses are sharper. They often misread their partner�s blank looks to mean their partner is upset with them. The Amygdala has to be calmed before this type of individual can feel connected.

Who gives? The person who cares the most for the relationship. What is best for our relationship? Give what is the right thing to give but will take your breath away it is so tough to give it. Generously, altruistically, give with nothing in return.

2. Foreplay

The biggest mistake men make in foreplay is they turn to their partner and say, ââ?¬ÂYa wanna have sex??ââ?¬Â Why would you ever ask a question that will almost always be answered with a ââ?¬Å?No!ââ?¬Â Mix it up, men . . . do not be so predictable. I have a colleague who describes it this way . . . (he calls it ââ?¬Å?slow- roasting your woman.ââ?¬Â)

ââ?¬Å?Touch your wife . . . leave her alone.ââ?¬Â

ââ?¬Å?Flirt with your wife . . . leave her alone.ââ?¬Â

ââ?¬Å?Kiss your wife . . . leave her alone.ââ?¬Â

Keep her guessing and not anticipating that this touch leads to this and that touch leads to that . . .

Foreplay for the majority of women (and 20% of men) is KINDNESS! Be thoughtful, generous, considerate. This is also why housework is considered an aphrodisiac for many women. They realize they have help, they are not in it aloneââ?¬Â¦and that makes them feel very “appreciative,” safe, warm and loving. However, if they don’t feel the connection, you’ll often here this partner say, “How can you expect me to be sexual with you when you’re so critical . . . and you don’t help out. I’ve asked you again and again and you don’t care . . . I’m tired of asking.ââ?¬Â

3. Time

When the subject of time is brought up in the area of sexual intimacy, common questions revolve around frequency. How often are couples around the globe having intimate relations? We answer this question with a bi-modal curve . . . 2! Two times a month AND two times a week. The average sexual experience for a man is, again 2 . . . two minutes in length. However, for a woman to reach orgasm requires 7 – 14 minutes. We have a basic math problem . . . no wonder time spent in foreplay doing or saying things that are considered ââ?¬Å?attractiveââ?¬Â to your partner are so important when it comes to how you spend your time attracting your spouse. Ladies, the way for a man to pass the 2 minute drill is consistent sexual experiences. Help your man become a lover to you . . . help him raise his stamina.

Two other points of interest:

  • The National Bureau of Economic Research completed a 2-year study throughout North America. The conclusion? Couples that were having regular sex (twice a week) equated to a $100,000 increase in income in terms of happiness.
  • Oxytocin high = SOS (Skin on Skin.) Men need three times more touching than women. Most men in their private moments will tell me they are touch-deprived.

4. Privacy

She needs privacy . . . itââ?¬â?¢s very difficult for a woman to feel sexual if she doesn’t feel her love making to is not sacred and private. In other words, it will be very difficult for her to focus on him sexually, if they have guests over for dinner. ââ?¬Å?Make yourselves at home . . . chips are on the counter . . .ââ?¬Â

Children are the anti-sex. They are always around. Use the locks on your doors. Do not neglect the needs of each other until the children are 18.

Men, a woman’s body is forever changed after children . . . her breasts have gone from these beautiful erogenous zones to public utilities . . . she is being pulled on all day long . . . and then you come home! If you had children hanging on a part of your anatomy all day long you’d likely not be interested in being touched either.

Men, her body is forever different.

Women, his body hasn�t changed . . . do not neglect him. Be careful how you reject him . . . men will eventually shut done. If you have a husband who argues with you about sex, consider yourself blessed . . . because at least it�s on the table.

It’s easy to argue, ââ?¬Å?Johnny needs me.ââ?¬Â . . . but guess what Johnny needs more? A mom and a dad who stay happily married.” Young marrieds, watch yourself during this time. Men, get a clue . . . she is tired. Help her . . . let her get her rest. Let her take a nap! You take the children . . . let them peel your brain back for a while.

Men and women were asked to rank what’s most important to them in the interest of SEX, FOOD, and SLEEP. (men ranked it in that very order . . . women, rated these in direct reverse: SLEEP, FOOD, SEX.

5. Exclusivity

When one man focuses totally and completely on one woman. Men, if you want a really great sex life, stop looking at other woman. Make your wife your only source of sexual desire and fulfillment. Try it for 90 days. Make that woman your only source of sexual input. Stop noticing anyone else . . . again, the majority of women are brain-ready not body-ready when it comes to sexual wiring. Without complete exclusivity, she knows it . . . and feels it. This holds true for women, as well. Sometimes that ââ?¬Ë?other party,’ however, can reference inordinate amount of energy we give a child or parent, work project or community event.

Regardless of whether your set point is high or low, autogenic or psychogenic, the most important aspect of satisfying sexual intimacy within marriage is the desire to have it be great and the willingness to do what it takes to achieve it.

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Dr. Liz Hale

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