It’s easy to see how we can get caught off guard unless we’re prepared with a certain level of knowledge about helping a loved one with a mental condition.And the numbers are high. One out of 4 adults suffers with a mental illness in any given year.Utah ranks 8th in the country for completed suicides. Whether the mentally ill spouse suffers from clinical depression, schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder or another mental illness, the condition has devastating effects on the individuals and the marriage. Certain factors can facilitate marriage survival.

The most critical factor is to get treatment.

TIP #1: Seek & Follow Treatment Plan

The true devastation is when we don’t seek professional intervention. A good mental health professional is worth their weight in gold! Treatment works. Education works. Learn all you can about symptoms, triggers and the “how-to’s” of managing a crisis. Resources like the National Alliance on Mental Illness are tremendous support systems that can be linked to fromstrongermarriage.org.

There is a grieving that needs to take place.

TIP #2: Grieve Fantasy; Embrace Reality

We all marry with expectations of “how glorious it’s going to be!” Grieve what isn’t and embrace what is. Perhaps we all need to grieve the fantasy, but especially someone married to a partner with a mental illness. When a treatment plan is successful, you have a “normal” relationship with its ups and downs. When a treatment plan fails, the downs remain down. Most of us will have a different sort of marriage than the one we dreamed of and embracing reality will be the most powerful step we can take in all marriages.

As the spokesperson for strongermarriage.org I personally answer questions and concerns on your blog and Facebook pages. www.facebook.com/strongermarriage. Recently, a woman married to a man who suffers with paranoia wrote to you:

“He sees connections in everything! The junk mail delivered to our mail box refers to something he said to his boss 15 years ago. He thinks everyone knows what he’s “really like” and all the “bad things” he’s done. He has done NOTHING illegal or bad; only in his mind. It has taken me a long time to understand this disease….and it will never make sense. At first, I thought, “Get over yourself! Who do you think you are that the world would revolve around you and what you said or did so many years ago?” I thought I was a terrible person for thinking this until I realized there were others in my situation, Thank God for support groups!”

TIP #3: Be Responsive; Not Responsible

It’s key to remember that you can’t fix your mentally ill spouse. You are not any more responsible for solving than causing the mental condition. Only the individual with the disorder can choose to seek and follow a treatment plan. Be an advocate and a cheerleader while realizing that the ultimate responsibility lies with your spouse.

TIP #4: Maintain Excellent Self-Care

Self-care is of utmost importance.Nowhere is self-care more important than in living with someone who has a medical condition such as a mental illness. I’ve seen formerly stable partners become downtrodden and clinically depressed due to the stress of living with a spouse who has a mental illness. Stress is hard on your brain and your body. Seek help before you too become overwhelmed. Therapy and anti-depressants can be supportive to the well-being of a partner. Avoid isolation. Stay in close contact with family and friends; join a support group; pick up as hobby to maintain healthy relationships.

TIP #5: Spare Spouse & Family

Some mentally ill spouses would never harm anyone, except perhaps themselves. Others may become out of control during a severe episode or breakdown if they are someone who has been diagnosed with schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder. Follow your instincts. If you feel your spouse may become verbally or physically abusive, consider leaving until your spouse is being successfully treated. This is a tough decision but an important one. Your job is to spare your family from injury and to spare your spouse from the pain they would suffer in causing it.

Marriage requires first things first. In other words, in order to have a long lasting healthy marriage it means two people placing utmost primary importance on their relationship. One of the most common complaints I hear in working with couples is, “I’m just not that important to him/her. I know he/she love me but it seems like (and here comes the list) his/her job, group of friends, or the band, the boat, and the baby, all come before me!” It is true that many of us take better care of our cars and homes than our marriages. If we neglect them, like any other treasure, they tarnish and lose their shine and value. Instead of replacing the treasure, we need to take really good care of what we’ve be blessed with.

So with that in mind, let’s break down that word: First. Each letter in the acronym stands for a topic that frequently wreaks havoc in marriage. The letter F stands for the big one…finances.

F = Finances

Money by itself is not the problem; the way we relate to it and use it is. Chances are highly unlikely that any of us married our financial match; one is typically the saver while the other is the big spender. The answer is to see each of these personality tendencies as strengths to a marriage and use them to their fullest potential. Too often we make the mistake of putting the more financially savvy partner in charge of the finances when BOTH parties should be bringing their skills to the table. We are often so busy pulling the other towards our way of thinking that we lose out on the opportunity to go deeper in our understanding of each other’s money attitudes and where they came from. Be curious about your sweetheart’s history with money and be reflective of your own. How did each of your parents handle money? How did those money management styles affectyou? Did Mom hide purchases from Dad? Did Dad make all the money decisions? Did you ever go without or were you indulged at every turn? What are your earliest memories of fights or discussions about money in your home? Uncover the shame often attached to money – it’s important to get all the “secrets” out on the table so you can operate from an intentional, mature manner. The stories we have about money started long before marriage.

I = In-Laws

This can be another complicated matter for marriage. The goal here is to find the common ground. You already have one thing in common: you both love the same person. Maintain that focus if that’s all you can find, and remember that many parties who have welcomed your union did so with dreams of their own. A mother who only raised sons finally gets the daughter-in-law that will “make all (her) dreams come true”…unbeknownst to the unsuspecting bride. She already has a mother she is very bonded to and can’t figure out why her new mother-in-law is never happy with her. Find the hidden dreams. Ask each other, “What were you hoping my family would provide you? What were you hoping I would bring to your family? And, what dreams do you think your parents have of me or us?” I would suggest you even ask parents themselves if the relationships seem complex and fraught with tension. The most important rule within marriage is the role you play as a married person to now leave and cleave. Leave your family-of-origin and cleave to your spouse.

R = Raising Children

Again, find the strengths that each of you bring to your family of kids, pets, or roses. Too often, one partner wants the other partner to agree with their style of nurturing. However, we don’t want to turn men into women or vice versa. While we don’t want to undermine each other, we do want to allow for differences that are inherent in fathers versus mothers. I celebrate that Dad can get a bit tougher while Mom remains softer. That is an example of bringing out the best in the genders within traditional marriage. Find commonality in the end result; who are we raising this person to be? Reveal your fears and your dreams. Have each other’s back but get off each other’s back regarding style.

S = Sex

You might ask, “Really, are you sure? What do we lose along the way?” Certainly not the importance of love-making to marriage! For the time it takes to complain about our partners’ difference in drive, both parties could find themselves in a blissful state that marriage requires. No other details are needed. I read a fun study yesterday that said while the national average of married couples engaging in sex is 2 times a week, couples who increase their number to 4 times a week look nearly a decade younger! (Maybe now I caught someone’s attention!) The largest mistake women make is that we wait for desire to hit us before we’re interested. However, desire follows arousal.

T = Time

Marriage requires time spent together as well as time enjoyed apart. The best gift you give your children is a strong marriage; you are not a bad parent when you insist on your time spent together as a couple. Teach your children that they are not the center of the universe; your marriage existed before they arrived and will continue after they leave the nest.A child can enrich a marriage, and a marriage should enrich a child. A healthy marriage is the best gift you give your children, whether they are 3 or 63! We never outgrow the desire to come from a stable home life. Aim to live even better than your parents did.

Fatigue and a psychiatric disorder are not the same; fatigue and depression have different risk factors. However, there is a great deal of overlap between the two disorders. A year-long study of the World Health Organization involving 3,200 patients discovered that fatigued persons often feel psychologically distressed over their condition; and depressed persons often experience fatigue as a symptom of depression. Depression and fatigue can reinforce each other in a vicious cycle. According to the U.S. General Surgeon, the number of people facing depression is astounding; during their lifetime, more than 20 million Americans will suffer major depression.

Regardless of what it is or what we call it, simple fatigue or depression, there are thing you can do to feel better.

Seek Professional Assistance

This is the first line of defense; get down to the cause of the complaint! See your general practitioner and get a complete physical. There are many medical conditions that cause fatigue, such as, hypothyroidism, heart disease, cancer, diabetes, and Multiple Sclerosis, to name only a few. Get vitamin levels checked, in particular vitamins B-12 and D, which are known to cause low energy levels when deficient. Consider taking fish oil supplementation. Great bodies of research have come form Harvard and UCLA about the benefits of fish oil on brain health.

Another significant treatment to consider is visiting with a mental health professional to ascertain if your fatigue is related to depression. Cognitive behavioral techniques involve changing thought processes which is essential in combating fatigue since clinical depression is worsened by negative thoughts and self evaluations. Fatigue encompasses both physical and mental exhaustion, therefore, eliminating repetitive and intrusive thoughts reduces the amount of energy wasted on negative emotions.

Recognize Behaviors & Symptoms

Only about a third of people with depression actually receive medical help because either they or their primary care physicians don’t recognize the symptoms; that’s a tragedy because this can be a treatable problem. Clients often mistake depression for fatigue. However, upon further investigation, they also report trouble sleeping, either too much or too little and trouble with appetite, ether too much or too little, in addition to an overwhelming feeling of sadness and suicide. If other complaints such as these accompany fatigue, then it’s not just fatigue; it’s depression. Pay attention to your own mental well being as well as to others in your family. Become educated on depression and how children and adolescents, as well as adult males, can show depression in forms of anger or acting out.

Moving here from Seattle about 6 years ago was harder than I ever thought it would be. Rebuilding social networks, professional connections, a spiritual support system, and navigating new territory was not easy. It was all I could do to make it through a full day of work. Not recognizing even in myself how depressed I was, I’ll never forget shortly after my mother passed away, calling in to work because I simply could not get out of bed….if was as if I had weights pushing my body down into the mattress of my bed. It’s not unusual for a major (or even minor event) to cause the realization of Clinical Depression to come to light.

Study & Embrace “Treatment” Options

“Treatment” can come in a number of different forms; the key is to be willing to do something new to help yourself! Become an expert on fatigue and depression. You may find yourself being drawn to the literature on bio-identical hormone replacement therapy, natural supplements, Vitamin B-12 shots, or medication. I once worked with a male client who had struggled with depression for as long as he can remember; he just hadn’t recognized it until now. While it is seldom my first line of defense, I encouraged him to visit with his physician regarding the use of anti-depressant medication. What motivated him? An interview with Terry Bradshaw. As a former star quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers, Terry Bradshaw reports a long and painful history of depression followed by his successful recovery following the prescribed anti-depressant, Paxil. Today, Terry Bradshaw is a champion for removing the stigma of depression and urging people to get the help they need. (And my particular client has also improved significantly from an anti-depressant.)

Use Motion on E-motion

This is tricky…because whether I am tired or depressed, the last thing I feel like doing is moving myself anywhere, especially away from the cushion on my couch! Physical activity is an effective way to reduce symptoms of depression like fatigue. Even 10 to 15 minutes of moving your body can yield a significant result. Ask for help. If motivation is the key concern, make a commitment to walk with a friend. Physical activity produces endorphins which elevate mod and diminish muscle tension caused by stress. Walking outside is a great form of exercise; exposure to sunlight and fresh air further awaken the body.

Face Facts & Remove Stigma

Mental illness is not something that happens to other people….it happens to us! It happens to me and to you; in your family and in mine. My cousin Justi, at one time, was the most beautiful woman in our family. She has struggled with depression for years, which sadly went untreated. To mask the pain of depression, Justi drank alcohol. As a family, we focused on the alcohol addiction which indeed was a HUGE problem. As Justi is willing to get professional health, she will hopefully begin to peel away the layers and face the demons that drive her to drink. An anti-depressant, individual therapy and group therapy, as well as a treatment program, are all playing a key role in her recovery.

Sorrow is sacred territory. Grief testifies of intense love and loss. I have an acronym for G.R.I E. F. “Go Right Into Every Feeling.” Grieving is not an intellectual experience; it is felt deep within the soul as we ponder the mysteries of suffering and loss. Grief will demand our attention. When we willingly give it the attention it deserves, it will make the process of living with loss more doable. The only feelings that do not heal are the ones that we try and hide.

• Nourish Faith

Beliefs support and sustain us, as well as do family, friends, and community. It’s also helpful to have faith in the other person’s legacy, as well…what would they want me to do now? How I can keep their essence alive? What can I do in their place? We are fortunate if we have beliefs; they give us something else to hang onto when a loved one has been ripped from our grasp.

• Learn from Loss

A friend of mine who recently lost her husband reminds young couples in her congregation at church to sit together! Take advantage of holding hands, scratching each other’s backs; don’t let the kids sit between you in the pews. Losing Al has made her think about her priorities…even though she took advantage of every opportunity she could in being married to him, there is one regret she have of the evening before his death……….she was messing with Christmas tree lights instead of going to bed when he did. Since she stayed up so late the night before, she allowed herself to sleep while Al quietly left for work. Of all days not to get her hugs and kissed from Al.

Death teaches us how to live. It makes life all the more precious. While every anniversary, birthday and holiday is with mixed emotion, it makes the memory of the moment all the sweeter.

• Renew Reasons for Living

In grief, we have the opportunity to become “creative survivors.” We say goodbye, for now, to the relationship we once knew with our loved one who has past and hello to a different kind of connection with them.

Even when grief is resolved, for however long it takes us, we will still feel a sense of loss. Healing does not mean forgetting; and moving on with life does not mean that we don’t forever have a part of our loved one with us. They are never fully gone.

It’s never just about the length of the invitation list or just about the location of the wedding. The details represent values of the couple as well as their community of family and friends. On www.strongermarriage.org, we have a blog that addresses many of the wonderful complexities of wedding planning and what to expect when you bring two cultures together. Every marriage is a cross-cultural marriage with its own history, traditions, idiosyncrasies, religion, and views. A bride has often had many dreams over this special event…and so has her mother and future mother-in-law! Be wise and proceed with care.

As the author of that blog I hear from brides all the time about their most difficult experiences and questions. Here are some of the top common themes that I hear most often.

Dilemma: “It’s Our Wedding And We Should Do What We Want, Right?!”
Response: It’s Your Day, But It’s Not Only Your Day

Brides often respond to each other’s frustration on the blog by repeating age-old advice like, “make sure your wedding is what YOU want, not what everyone else wants.” Or, “it’s YOUR day, have it YOUR way!” If this is indeed how a bride feels, that it’s her wedding and she and her fiancé should be able to do what they want, then my advice to them is to elope. However, if they are involving their community of family and close friends then that community also needs to be considered. It’s the first day of a long journey of two families coming together. Start off walking down the aisle on the right foot. If you choose to assemble your kin and peers together then, while, yes, it’s your day, it’s not only your day.

The next most common complaints I hear from brides on strongermarriage.org is when family members threatened to boycott the wedding if “so-and-so” is also invited. With so many blended families and various family constellations this is common and it’s wrenching!

Dilemma: “My Mother Says She Isn’t Coming If The Other Woman Is!”
Response: Express Your Desire and Leave It Up To Her

If you are inviting your extended families on both sides there is a fairly good chance that there are some “cut-offs” in there somewhere. It may even be your own parents who are divorced and not speaking to each other. Often what’s implied is, “If you invite the other one then you’re telling me that I can’t come.” The truth is you are NOT saying that. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by family member’s conflicts. Instead, respond by saying, “We are inviting everyone we care about; we’d love to have you there; we’d love to have dad there and he will be brining his wife; while it’s important to me that have you there, it will be your decision.” In other words do not let someone put you in a position of disinviting them simply because you’ve also invited someone else. Define what your values are and let others make their own decision. It’s mostly a bluff; often people rise to the occasion and come to this special event and are appropriate. The most important thing to remember is not to escalate the situation. Don’t do a counter blackmail, such as, “If you don’t come then you will never see your future grandchildren!” Chalk it up to temporary insanity; and don’t join the institution.

Another common scenario I hear is when someone you love views a value differently than you do; who should have their way on this important day?

Dilemma: “We Both Feel Strongly (And Differently) About Something.”
Response: Determine If the Potential Joy Will Outweigh the Suspected Pain

A darling bride wrote in sharing her wish to have her mother walk her down the aisle instead of her father who was not all that involved in her life following her parents’ divorce as a young girl. When she told her father she was surprised to learn that this deeply disturbed him. He told her, “I have not been a good father at times…I realize that. But I have always hoped I could walk you down the aisle. While I may not deserve that honor it would mean the world to me. Truthfully, I will feel humiliated in front of my family and friends if I don’t’ walk you down the aisle….not that I deserve it.”

Here’s a great example of having to make a decision in the face of competing needs and values. This bride asked herself, “Would the joy of having my mother walk me down the aisle outweigh the pain it will cause my father?” When she shared this with her mother she learned that it hadn’t been her mother’s dream to walk her daughter down the aisle. This bride decided that this was an area that she could be flexible with and that the pain it would cause her father was not worth it to her and not something she wanted associated with the most important day of her life.

Marriage is not for getting all of our needs met; it’s for learning how to love and becoming more refined. It starts with planning the wedding!

Not only is it possible: it’s easy as pie! P.I.E. Pacing Intentional Energy. It’s all in how you slice it! It’s also important to have a well-rounded pie; not a lopsided pie. The key is the container; you only have so much energy and so much time.The 24-Hour Pie: http://snurl.com/vfund

If you add certain new ingredients to your pie mix, make room in your “container” by taking something else out. If you don’t, your pie will spill over in the oven, catch the oven on fire and burn your house down…figuratively, if not literally, speaking! (Do you ever feel like you’re falling apart….that’s caused by a lopsided pie!)

My favorite part of a pie is the crust…and the crust is the most fundamental part, as well. Think of the crust as the foundation of your goals in life. Your values will determine how you slice your pie and what each slice will contain.

Let’s cook up a few pies to get started. Let me give you the recipe and instructions:

Pie Chart Surprise

• Set Aside 30 Minutes
• Take (2) Pie Chart Templates
• Add 1 Box of Crayons or Colored Pencils
• Throw in 1 Pencil or Pen

Take goals, values, and determination and separate “what is” from how you want it to be. Spread into two pie charts. Apply colored crayons or pencils liberally. Let pies sit and cool for a few minutes and then compare pies. Adjust ingredients accordingly to taste.

The balance of your pie ~ how you slice is ~ is entirely up to you and what is most important in your life today.

Different people slice their pie in different ways according to what’s important to them. I’ve selected five individuals who represent their own well-balanced slice of life.

Let’s start with the letter S, of the acronym SLICE.

S= Satisfying.

Our own First Lady, Jeanette Herbert is a great example of creating a life that is There are so many demands placed upon her and while she does everything she possible can to be accommodating, some things have to give! Her advice is to make sure that you are happy with your life, that it’s satisfying and fulfilling. (We all prefer a pie that is filled to the brim with delicious product not air!) She also advices us to be flexible. Just the other day her daughter, who is newly pregnant, was placed on bed rest and Mrs. Herbert needed adjust her schedule to be there to help her. (Attending to what is most important is most satisfying.)

Well, it’s happened. Maybe you were afraid it would. Or, perhaps it blindsided you but….your daughter didn’t make the dance team. Your son was passed over for the scholarship. Your child didn’t get the part or solo or moment in the sun which he or she worked so hard! Now what do you do? You call upon your own Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Liz. So, your son is hurting. Your daughter comes to you in tears. And as a parent you’re supposed to make it all better. Where do we start?

My sister has always said that being a mother is like having your heart running around in the world on two little legs.” When your child hurts, you hurt. Before anything comes out of your mouth, it’s a great idea to first take an inventory about how you feel about your child’s setback. Your attitude makes all the difference in how a child reacts. If you see rejection or disappointment as a problem, that’s a problem! Your child will then certainly be hindered by how well they manage life’s challenges. Think about how you’ve handled disappointment or rejection; that is a part of life that we can all relate to. We can’t fix normal!

Listen to Learn

Children don’t always fully understand what they are thinking and feeling. They can’t always say exactly what they mean. “I hate the new baby,” may really mean, “I’m afraid that you don’t love me anymore.”

We may not always like what children have to say. Sometimes we won’t agree. Sometimes we won’t know how to respond. But children need us to listen. So let them lead the way, respect their feelings, listen to their point of view, and try to find out what’s going on inside them. Things are not always what they appear to be at first glance.

Where does your mind go when a child says, “I don’t want Mrs. Smith to come and take care of me anymore?” Alarm bells could go off…what has Mrs. Smith done to my baby? Or, you could pause and say “oh?” prompting him for more information. You might here, “Yeah she’s a stupid babysitter. She thinks Bobby is so nice and I don’t like Bobby either.” If we’re actively listening we’d then say something like, “So you’re angry at your older brother, too.” And then you may hear how Bobby thinks he’s such a big shot because he got to go to the movie and Mrs. Smith wouldn’t let the younger brother go because he wasn’t old enough.

“Life Is Not Fair…and We’ll Survive!”

Despite hard work and determination, one does not always get what their heart desires or deserves. It is a hard truth, but one we all learn one way or another. When it comes to hard work, attitude or any other virtue, what a person deserves is not always what he or she will get. The good news is that while I don’t always get what I might deserve, I know I don’t always deserve what I get!

One of the more painful experiences of childhood or adolescence is peer rejection. My good friend, and mother of 8 says that “When someone hurts your child, the Momma Bear in you wants to go over and rip that person’s head off!” I think most parents can relate.

In the course of a school day children are met with a number of challenges and even setbacks. They may not do well on a test; or perhaps they weren’t picked for a game they wanted to play; or they’re struggling to keep up with everyone else in class due to a learning disability. One study determined that even popular children experienced some type of rejection about one quarter of the time when they approached their peers at school.

Model Confidence & Optimism

Model optimism. Watch how you present the world to children, as they will pick up on your view. Tell them how you’ve managed rejection and disappointment. Help them remember how they bounced back from disappointment in the past and that those strategies can be used again. Laugh together. Humor is a great coping mechanism that helps put disappointment in perspective. Things will get better. They always do.

Brainstorm Choices and Alternatives

No experience is ever wasted; especially disappointments. The disappointment does not define us but our reaction to it does.

One of my friend’s teenage daughter is on an excellent dance team and they recently were in a dance competition and finished second place which, to these competitive dancers, was devastating. How helpful would it be for my friend to have said, “Oh, Sara, those judges were clueless!” Or, “Your pirouettes were the worst I’ve ever seen you do. What were you thinking?” Instead, what would be more useful and instructive would be to say, when the time was right, “I’m sorry you didn’t get first place in the competition. Was there anything the 1st place team did well, in your mind? Is there anything you think your team could work on for next time?”

We hear a lot about bullying these days, which is certainly difference than peer rejection. In my opinion, we use the term too broadly at times. Another great mother I know makes a habit of taking her child and meeting privately with the other parent and child after some type of fight or argument. The truth is always a bit more revealing when you‘re standing before your peer and your parent. Resolving conflict is a necessary part of emotional development, teaching responsibility and accountability for one’s actions and one’s responses to another’s actions.

Teach Responsibility & Accountability

With helping a child understand bullying, my favorite line and belief is,”hurt people, hurt people.” Sometimes a simply “kill ‘em with kindness” approach often works….unless the bullying is more violent then school administrators need to become involved in interrupt this destructive cycle. Becoming a bully in response to confronting a bulky is never the answer.

I feel so strongly about promoting a healthy marriage initiative in our state because marriage is in crisis. In 1970, nearly 80% of all American adults were married; today that number has dropped to 57%. The Marriage Index also reports that today 40% of all American children are born out-of-wedlock. In the midst of many external challenges, we forget how marriage can benefit personal lives and communities. We are losing our determination and the skills to keep marriage healthy and strong.

We need to think of marriage as a covenant relationship between a man and a woman; not as a throwaway consumer relationship where we’ll want a refund or exchange due to an imperfect model. Within sacred matrimony, the chances are enormously higher for personal growth, better health, more happiness, a longer life and greater well-being for children.

There are a bunch of great events planned throughout Utah for National Marriage Week. From Logan to St. George there are marriage celebrations happening in your very own community. I have the honor of speaking at Thanksgiving Point in Lehi Friday Night, and our own Matt Townsend will be in Emory County Saturday Night (visit utahmarriage.org for a complete schedule and to learn more). Regardless of your ability to attend a formal celebration, and regardless if you are married or not, you can celebrate marriage. Honor the time in years and months that you and your spouse have been together (call it “Another Anniversary”). Recognize a marriage in your extended family, church, or community that inspires you. If proximity allows, visit them in person and share how their marriage has had a positive and significant impact on you.

I believe that there is one group, far and above anyone else, that we learn the most about marriage from. Our greatest marriage educators? Parents!

Parents Teach Marriage Education

From day one! The loudest example is often the most silent! A baby quickly learns about love, affection, caring for personal needs, and communication by observing his or her parents. As you model fidelity, commitment to spouse, and respect for others in all interpersonal exchanges, you become an irreplaceable example of essential values as your children develop a worldview about marriage and life. Your relationship to your mate is the primary teaching example of marriage to your children. Best parenting advice? Love that child’s other parent!

Parents Teach Conflict Management

If a child witnesses a disagreement between parents, they also need to witness Mom and Dad apologizing, forgiving, and making-up. Reassure children that conflict in relationships happen even when there is great love and respect. Parents who handle conflict wisely in front of their children are more likely to raise children with healthy attitudes and good conflict management skills. While children don’t need to know or understand all the details about the conflict, it’s best if parents don’t pretend that they have conflict from time to time, and that such conflict doesn’t indicate a lack of love and respect form one another. I have met too many young married couples where one of them is blown away at the sign of the first marital argument because he or she never saw their parents argue or disagree.

Parents Teach Sex-Ed

All education begins from the moment that baby is in your arms. From the very beginning, you are training your children how to feel about their bodies, growth and development, the healthy elimination process, and puberty and maturation. How a young person feels about the various stages of their own development goes with them even into marriage! Talk to your daughter early about menstruation and what a gift that cycle is to her dreams of one day, after marriage, becoming a mother herself. Development is something to celebrate! Talk to your sons about the natural occurrence of nocturnal emissions, and that they are nothing to be ashamed or guilty of. Become your child’s expert on sex education and that, together, there is nothing you can’t talk about, and that if you don’t know the answer to something, you’ll research the matter and get back to them immediately. You don’t have to know all the answers just be willing to learn and discuss them!

Parents Teach Partner Development

I love the story of a mother would made great efforts to teach and correct her son always with the admonishment, “I want you to learn to do this for Betty.” After some time the boy finally asked his mother, “Mom; who’s Betty?” It turned out that “Betty” was the name his mother used for the girl he would marry one day, and she wanted him to learn good behaviors so that he would be a better husband for “Betty!” (Lucky, Betty!)

Parents Teach Character Recognition

Teaching moments are all around! When your teenagers have begun to date, comment on what you notice, for example, “Gee, I thought that was very considerate of Gary to call you and tell you he was sorry for running late and that he’d be here soon to pick you up. That is a great trait!” Educate your children to observe how a member of the opposite sex treats other people, such as wait staff in a restaurant, teachers and authority figures, and less popular kids at school; discuss what they think that means. We often spend hours debating over college options, potential majors, financial arrangements and even how to select the best dorm. Let’s make sure we prepare them for another important life choice looming over the horizon – long-term marriage.

Out of the University of Washington comes over 35 years of marital research by Dr. John Gottmann that determines with more than a 90 percent accuracy rate, what’s going to happen to a relationship over a three-year period. In a national telephone survey there were two issues that couples were most likely to report arguing about? What would you guess those two areas were?

Examples of common irreconcilable differences might include:

1. In-Laws & Extended Family Involvement
2. Balance Between Home & Work
3. Communication Patterns
4. Sexual Intimacy
5. Personal Habits & Idiosyncrasies
6. Sharing Household Responsibilities
7. Outside Friendships
8. Political Views
9. Debt Difficulties
10. Disciplining Children

Here is the important point: it’s inevitable to have differences. It’s how we manage those differences that matters.

Differences Are Not Deficiencies

Let’s embrace them not try to eliminate them! (Or we’re apt to eliminate our mutual love and respect.)

Prevent & Eliminate the Negative

Not every issue needs to be raised. Simply loving and caring deeply for our partner may prevent many things from ever becoming issues. Marriage is NOT for getting our needs met; it’s for learning how to love and for finding out where we need to become more refined. For example, maybe we could let go of the dishes left in the sink. Hey, they made it to the sink! Most of life is rather boring; most days are filled with monotony and doing the same things again and again. Find the joy in them anyway! Couples who are successful have some hidden world within these ordinary moments and these moments are key to couples building friendships and sexual intimacy. Foreplay happens all the time. In Gottman’s “sound relationship house theory,” conflict, friendship, and sense of purpose and meaning form three inter-locking circles..

There are four common contaminates that we need to eliminate from our discussions. It is imperative to avoid the following four major patterns when we discuss our differences:

• Criticism (attacking another’s character)
• Contempt (conveying disgust)
• Defensiveness (blaming; counterattacking partner’s character)
• Stonewalling (disengaging; withdrawing with no intent to return)

Start with Respect & Affection

The most important part of a discussion is the first 3 minutes. Over 96% of the time, the way a conflict discussion starts determines how it will go for the remainder of the discussion. We can either become gird-locked within our perpetual issues OR our dialogues contain laughter, softness, and affection.

Set the stage for a discussion by bringing up issues, softly, gently, and calmly. Avoid negative accusatory remarks, sarcasm, critical and contemptuous statements. It’s fine to complain but don’t blame. Speak for yourself. Say, “I felt hurt when you left me alone at the party;” and not, “You are such a selfish jerk!” Be private, appreciative, and polite. When listening, focus on the message and paraphrase what you heard without a rebuttal; “It upset you that I let you down at the party.”

Resolve to Discuss More Than Solve

Not every problem needs to be solved. Over 70% of issues don’t need to be resolved but they need to be well-discussed! You’ll find that simply airing your differences is often all that’s needed. Hold regular couple councils so you make time for reviewing the week and how you’re doing as a couple. Use the following tool: “On a scale of 1-10, how did I do this week?” Or, “How was the party for you?” Perhaps that’s the way to talk about your frustrations, by saying, “The party was a 5 for me.” Partner then responds, “What could I have done to have made it a 10 for you?” Answer? “You would have come and kissed me on the cheek after every 30 minutes of chatting with others.” It’s hard to become defensive when your partner tells you a doable way to make a situation a “10!”

Honor Each Other’s Different Dreams

It’s important to honor and revere a partner’s dreams and ambitions. It’s unlikely that a marriage will be happy if this does not happen. I worked with a couple recently where the husband was going to go to work for a family member in a business he wasn’t really that crazy about in order to please his complaining wife who was tired of having her husband pursue his dream of music and not make any money at it. It is absolutely critical that you invest in your partner’s dream. Do what ever you can to support, acknowledge, and make those dreams come true. Changing the course of this couple’s direction has made all the difference. The husband felt supported by his wife who said “go back to your studio and make it happen, Baby. I believe in you!” That has made him want to go to the ends of the earth for his wife.

Additional Resource: “10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage” by John Gottmann

This particular topic is especially addressed to parents of adult married children. It is rather tempting to continue to parent, protect, coddle and rescue. But when we do this, we often cause even more harm to the couple. Finances are a frequent problem among many couples. When parents come in and rescue their adult children with money, the underlying message is “you can’t manage your own life; you will always need me to do it for you; you’ll never really figure this out for yourselves.”

Financial Difficulties Disclosed

One of my colleagues tells a story of his married daughter calling home in a panic because their new car was about to be repossessed and said, “Mom, you’ve got to get over here and bring $300.00 so that we can keep our car.” Her mom calmly replied, “That is not an option.” Her daughter was horrified, saying “Well, how is Bob going to get to work? How are we going to get our groceries?” Her mom said, “Well, I assume you might take the bus.” The daughter added, “You mean you would want your granddaughter to be out in the cold on some city bus?” Mom answered, “Absolutely not! I assume you’ll dress in a warm coat, boots, hat and gloves.” Through necessity, this frantic daughter ended up becoming very resourceful by negotiating with the car dealer some way that allowed them to make good on their car payments. There is no better feeling than that of knowing you can manage your own life.

So, how should a friend reply to a request for money? The only wrong answer would be to loan the money…never a good idea. It would be better to gift the money away then to loan it. Loans seldom get repaid and the longer they go unpaid, the greater the resentment builds. Suggest that one day she pay it forward to someone else in need, and keep the giving cycle in motion. Or, if that’s not an option, say, “What a tough situation. How I wish I could do this for you…I am so sorry.” Or, “While I don’t have $300.00, I could offer $25.00? Would that help?”

Marital Affair Disclosed

The reason it is so tempting to meddle in another’s ‘affairs,’ is that infidelity is sadly rampant! For parents whose adult children have been betrayed, this is a tough issue! A woman recently called me in tears because her daughter’s husband has been having an affair at work for the past year. She was heartbroken because she and her husband loved this young man like their own son. But now, they were absolutely disgusted with him….it killed them to see their daughter in such pain. The dilemma was that this man has not yet left his mistress behind. Yet, their daughter wants to do everything in her power to save her marriage and she requests that the family all be together for Christmas dinner. She said “I don’t want him near our home until he decides to stop the affair and makes things right with my daughter, again. Do I have a right to set my own limits?”

What side do you think this mother should take?

Of course, she has the right to do anything she wants to do. However, there may be a price to pay; losing your daughter. We no longer get to make our children’s decisions for them. The best question one can ask in this situation is, “What can I do to help?” Take your child’s lead on this one. If your daughter says, “Mom and Dad, I need you to open your arms and love him in spite of his affair. I want to save my marriage and I need your support in doing so,” then that is the direction you take. No one wants to see their loved one in pain. But this is your daughter’s marriage…….and it is her decision as to what to do with that marriage that matters. Infidelity is not just a personal downfall, it is a societal downfall. Trust your daughter and son-in-law to work with a professional to best direct their recovery process and to develop an understanding as to why this happened and how they can better safeguard their marriage about the issues that push and pull us into affairs.

And when friends disclose their spouse’s affair, just listen and validate! Do not offer advice, say what you would do if you were in their shoes (because you’re not!), and do not criticize the partner who cheated. These are complicated matters…gently direct them to a professional who specialized in infidelity recovery.

Domestic Violence Suspected

If you suspect anyone is involved within a domestic abuse situation, educate yourself with excellent materials and resources. The most deadly time for a women within a domestic violence situation is as she’s getting out. One of my favorite website is UVDC.org. It is imperative that you let her know what you see. Say, “I am concerned about the bruises that I see. I just want you to know that I am here for you. If you are being hurt I want you to know that nothing you could ever do warrants abuse. It is not your fault. When you are ready, I’ll help you go and talk to someone who specializes in domestic violence.” Stay close to your friend; continue getting together and offering your support. Every year more than 1 ½ million women are victims of domestic violence. They are in our families, in our circle of friends, and they are our neighbors. Be willing to meddle in the face of domestic violence.

Emotional Abuse Suspected

You should address suspicions of emotional abuse very carefully, mainly because it’s a bit of a pop-psychology term that certainly many of my clients like to suggest their partners are guilty of. In most cases, however, there is a more accurate term: “neglect!” I am not suggesting that cruel things are never said or that threats are never made. However, when listening to a family member describe their situation, focus on validating their experience. Memorize some helpful but sincere one-liner’s, such as, “That must have been painful.” Or, “How did you feel after that?” Or, “I feel like crying, too.”

If it is your friend who is complaining about her husband, listen and love without offering advice, calling her partner names, or labeling the interaction. Everyone gets frustrated; we do not know the full situation only the one-sided version with the one-sided perspective. We do not know what exchanged were made; trust me, many of us can sound like we are the only victims that showed up that day. Through validation, help your friend brainstorm new options, and ask “What do you think would help you both?”

Validation is certainly not a cure-all. It is a way, however, to encourage people close to you to manage their own responsibilities while helping them feel loved by you to a far greater degree.

Marital Unhappiness Suspected

There could certainly be a variety of reason for unhappiness. Some days I’m not so very happy either. In a new marriage, there are many changes. Marriage is one of the most stressful changes we go through – as joyous as it is! Let’s not assume that marriage and apparent unhappiness are associated. Some young women, especially, are on hormones for the first time, i.e., the birth control pill, and are therefore unprepared for the rise and drop in emotions that some women experience from the pill.

If this is your daughter who seems sad after marriage, chat with her about the understandable letdown following such a big and important event. Reality sets in fairly quickly that marriage is not easy; it is seldom what we think it’s going to be; and yet the potential for self-understanding and growth is amazing!

Don’t get caught up in your friend’s adjustment difficulty. Don’t rush ahead and say, “Oh, no…their marriage is already on the rocks. This is terrible; the sky is falling, the sky is falling.” Offer your support, “This adjustment isn’t easy, is it? I don’t think it is for anybody. I believe in you…I know the two of you will figure this out.” Sometime, all we need to hear is that what we’re going through is normal and that some else believes in us. Allow the therapists to do the therapy.

In marriage, we need the support of our family and friends. So many things relentlessly push and pull us apart; we all need to have supportive family and friends who are helping us to hold it all together….and, in return, they need us to do the same for them!

Favorite Resource: “I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better,” by Gary & Joy Lundberg

It’s difficult to get reliable statistics on infidelity for a variety of reasons. Much of our current data is based on the famous Kinsey reports from the 40′s and 50′s as well as a consensus among professionals and experts in the field of infidelity. It is believed that about 60% of men (and now women) have an affair at SOME point in SOME marriage. Since not all men and women having affairs are married to each other, according to author and infidelity expert, Peggy Vaughn, infidelity may affect an estimated 80% of marriages in the U.S. Eighty percent! As you think of your own marriage, as well as nine other couples you know, this means that eight of you as couples have either dealt with or are facing a partner’s affair; be that emotional or sexual infidelity.

Emotional affairs either end or they escalate. Regardless if someone believes an emotional relationship is dangerous to marriage, it is! Most emotional affairs are just affairs that have not YET become sexual.

The good news is there are things you can do to protect your marriage against infidelity’ but a simple promise to stay faithful is not enough.

Most people who cross the line of infidelity, had no premeditation, no intention whatsoever, of having an affair, either emotional or sexual. I have yet to meet anyone who woke up one morning saying, “Today is the day I start my affair!” Usually what I hear in the aftermath is, “I never thought this would happen to me. I always looked down on other people who cheated. How did I ever get myself into this?” We are all vulnerable. I worry most about those couples or individuals who say, “that will never happen to us!”

Recognize All Relationships are Vulnerable to Infidelity

Emotional affairs begin in innocence. It is nothing more than a conversation that leaves us with a good impression of the person we shared it with. It is when we have not maintained the proper boundaries on outside relationships that the trouble begins.

Avoid Secrecy & Deception

What constitutes an “emotional affair?” Secrecy is the main ingredient. Secrecy is a critical component of a strong emotional attachment with someone other than your partner. Whether an affair is emotional or sexual, it is DECEPTION that creates the most long-term damage to the trust and future of the marriage.

If there is an ongoing interaction with someone with whom you have been very honest in sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings, this can generate a feeling of closeness that stimulates even more sharing. An emotional attachment quickly develops, causing serious damage to a marriage – regardless or not if it ever becomes “sexual.”

Be Careful in Conversation

We often joke that conversation is a “woman’s need.” But conversations are what start us off on this slippery slope, for both women and men It’s impossible to overestimate the role conversation plays in the drama. I don’t mean the regular daily conversations about the status of a project or the new sales report or organizing church or community activities together. I mean the intimate conversations about the things in our lives that we hold dear. Be aware of the topics that grab your attention and spike your energy: your children, spiritual paths, political passions, world views; frustrations at work and home. It is within intimate conversation that seeds are planted for creating lust and passion. It is within conversation that we show our respect and admiration for others. It is within the context of conversation that almost all flirting occurs and sexual innuendos are struck. It is within conversation that we explore each other as unique individuals. And it is within conversation that we make our plans to take that exploration further. It is with words that we express our feelings for another person. Words have power; and power creates passion. Conversation is an aphrodisiac; it is a form of foreplay.

Conditions of an emotional affair:

• Keeping private details of the relationship from spouse.
• Saying and doing things that wouldn’t be done in presence of spouse.
• Sharing thoughts and feelings with someone other than spouse
• Making efforts to spend time alone with this other person.

Affairs begin with time and attentiveness. For women who have felt neglected in their marriages, it can be as simple as a look that says, “I find you interesting.” They take root and grow through continued conversation and sharing that deepens intimacy and connection. The slide from friendship to affair can be imperceptible until it’s too late.

Monitor Time & Proximity

Most affairs occur between friends (either in the neighborhood or at church) and co-workers. We spend more time with our coworkers than families. Sometimes, it even seems we spend more time with our children’s sport coach than we do with spouse. It is in time spent together that relationships take root and grow. It begins with a conversation, laughter, and shared experiences.

Beware of the lure of the Internet. Emotional affairs develop quickly behind the safety of the computer screen. You can be drawn to an affair like a drug! Feeling shave no brain cells; come of my clients have lost their minds; literally! It is only when they’ve recovered from the hypnotic embrace of the affair that they look back and say, “What was I thinking?” Emotional affairs dumb us down!

Recognize that work can be a danger zone. I have a colleague who believes that every worksite should be marked with a large banner that reads: “WARNING: Men & Women Working Together!” Another motto: “Stay Alert; Don’t Flirt!” Do not lunch with or take coffee breaks alone with another person. Meet your spouse for lunch if possible or take the time to hit the pavement for a walk to clear your stress of the day.

Commit to Honesty

There is one trump card for preventing affairs…and it’s not a commitment to monogamy. Make a commitment to sharing your deepest thoughts, feelings, fears, and triumphs with your partner. Reveal as much of yourself to one another as possible.

We are mistaken when we believe that our religions or our covenants protect us; or the fact that we have children or work together; or because we love each other or have a good marriage. We lower our guard because we believe we are the exception. We all need to exert the caution and effort necessary to create boundaries that make marriage safe and the most satisfying intimate relationship possible.

Affairs can occur in even happy marriages. But they are most likely to happen when partners have grown apart, lead individual lives, or when the marriage has been neglected in favor of other pursuits. It is in the gap left by that neglect that attention of a friend or coworker has the potential to turn a relationship into more than an association.

RESOURCES:

“The Monogamy Myth,” by Peggy Vaughn.

“Not Just Friends, by Dr, Shirley Glass.

ONLINE EXTRA:

Quiz: Has Your Friendship Become an Emotional Affair?

Click http://stage.bonnint.net/slc.php?path=2,54&story=8707576,109,shead,0,&act=activateHERE to take the quiz.

When we struggle with the “disease to please,” our very health is literally on the line. The emotional build-up of not saying “No” increases adrenaline, causing a faster heart beat, higher blood pressure, and a narrowing of blood vessels. And these particular conditions have been linked to stroke, cancer, and heart attacks.When we are unable to set limits we are unable to regulate our own lives and maintain a physically and emotionally healthy life. And here is the good news: we are to blame and thus we are to tame this disease.

We teach others how to treat us. Our beliefs and thoughts shape our behaviors and our behaviors shape our relationships with our self and others. I am currently working with a couple who have been married for almost 20 years. When they were engaged and about to get married, this woman’s mother, who is mentally-ill, said to her adult daughter, “Well, your husband is certainly getting the short-end of the stick, isn’t he?!” My client’s history is flooded with such barbs from her mother, sadly. As if on automatic pilot, she set out to prove her worth in marriage. She denied her feelings and own wants for those of her husband, she would go out of her way to re-adjust the car seat for him before she got out of the car; she would re-adjusted the shower head in the shower so he wouldn’t have to bother; and she lifted up the toilet seat so he would never know she had been there. She would even try and hold her breath in bed to not make disturbing noises so that he could fall asleep first. You get the idea…her behavior was extreme in order to prove her mother wrong; in order to prove her own worth and value.

And how do you think her husband responded? As the luckiest guy in the world to have someone so accommodating? Heavens no! He treated her terribly! It’s almost as if she taught him to undervalue, under-acknowledge, and under-appreciate the amazing human being that she was. While nice and thoughtful gestures have their place, when we use them to show the world how “good” we are, and that “you don’t treat me as well as I treat you,” we become the martyr and the victim. At first glance, my client looked like an emotionally battered women married to a complete jerk. Everyone could see it at first glance…but when you look closer, she was part of the equation that kept the cycle going by over-compensating for her feelings of a negative self-worth.

Enjoy the Freedom of “No”

Have you ever seen a toddler who just learned the power of the word, “No!” Saying “No” established their individuality; their separation from Mother. “No” is the most powerful word in the English language. Saying “no” is a potential lifesaver. It’s about respecting yourself – your needs, values, time and energy.

This isn’t about saying “no” to other people as much as it is saying “Yes” to yourself. We often hear that “time is money.” I believe that “time is life.” When we give time away, we give away heartbeats. If we contemplate going to dinner with someone for 3 hours, that is 13,000 heartbeats. Is that going to be of value to me? Am I going to leave the restaurant saying, “that was wonderful; great food; stimulating conversation…or am I going to walk out and say, “Gee, I wish I had staying in and prepared for tomorrow’s presentation.” That’s going to war with yourself.

Honesty is the only way out of the trap. Since time is life, and you don’t feel like you can spend the time going to dinner, speak up and be truthful with a friend. “I really hope you understand that when I say “no” to dinner that it’s not about you – it’s about taking care of me and giving myself a quite night at home that I so desperately need. Thank you for understanding!”

Yield to Yearning “Yes” List

To help you determine your true priorities, create a Yearning Yes List! This list is about determining what’s most important for yourself, using your time in the way you most value. Ask yourself this question: “What or who needs my attention at this time?” Think if terms of the next 3 months. What needs your attention: your child, marriage, career, health, finances? What are the most pressing needs right now? Perhaps you have let important friendships fall by the way side and you want to re-commit to connecting with dear friends. Set a time in your calendar every other week or once a month that you reserve for “friend shipping.” Choose the top 5 priorities as you see them today, remembering to pout yourself first (which is so hard to do.) However, ask yourself, “How am I going to take care of others if I am burnt out, feeling angry and resentful?” Remember, this is your yearning yes list!

Practice Powerful Phrases

Before responding to someone’s request, buy yourself some time to weigh the pro’s and con’s by saying, “Let me give that some thought, please. I’ll get back to you by Friday.” Or, “I’m in the middle of another project right now, when my hands are freed let me check my schedule and call you back.” Or, if you know the request is not a possibility, say it straight up: “I wish I could help you out….I have to say “No” this time. I am so sorry.” Or, “I’ll have to decline this time, but thank you for thinking of me, or trusting me with that request.” To set a boundary with an angry person, say “You may not yell at me. If you continue, I will leave the room.” Oftentimes, less is more. Excuses only paint us into a corner and raise anxiety and often give the other party something to argue about.

Guilt is a Good Sign

I say this a little tongue-in-cheek because too often we as women feel guilty caring for ourselves, or taking a class or going on vacation without the kids. Guilt is a sign that you are heading in the right direction! To overcome guilt, face it head-on. If you have made a mistake or errored in someway, make amends; make things right, of course. But if notice you feel guilt doing over something you are doing for yourself, keep going! (Even if that means you tell everyone how guilty you feel to make yourself feel better. Feel the guilt and do it anyway.)

Build Boundaries Not Barriers

Setting boundaries actually allows us to build bridges in our relationships. Instead of stewing and chewing on cheese and crackers (my favorite comfort food!) because I have said “Yes” to something I wish I had said “no” to, saying “No” upfront allows me the peace of mind to assess what I could say “Yes” to instead. The other night I called someone to ask about their interest in spearheading a large volunteer community project for next fall. I loved and respected her response: “Oh, Liz, I’d really like to be involved somehow. Because of my personal demands, however, I won’t be able to lead this one but I can certainly offer a few hours to help on the day of the event.”

Even though boundaries were set, bridges were built.

REFERENCES:

“The Nice Factor: The Art of Saying “No!” by Jo Ellen Grzyh and Robin Chandler

“What Happy Women Know,” by Dan Baker, Ph.D.

May I first reassure you that avoiding the “pink elephants” in the room is common, human nature? It’s uncomfortable and painful, and the unknown is frightening. However, the truth of the matter is is that it atually takes more emotional and physical energy, not to mention the precious commodity of time, to AVOID the elephant than to acknowledge its existance, head, trunk, ears, and all!

Choose to be Un-Offended

An ideal place to begin is to see if you can choose to NOT be offeneded. This is my favorite place to start if at all possible. Not everything needs to be discussed or hashed-out; some things need to be immediately ignored, forgiven, and dropped.

I love the story of the two Zen Buddhist monks who came to a stream, which was pretty rough, and encountered a beautiful young woman, who couldn’t swim and who asked them to carry her across it.

The young woman said, “The stream is flooded. I really can’t swim. Will you help me across?” The young monk was horrified at her request and replied, “No madam I’m sorry, we’re sworn to chastity and I can’t carry you across the stream. I can’t touch a woman. I can’t do it.” The old monk thought for a minute and then he said, “I’ll help you.” So he took this beautiful young woman in his arms, and he carried her across the stream. She thanked him much and they both went on.

The two monks continued walking along in silence for a mile or two and then then the young monk couldn’t take it any longer and he scolded the old monk’s unchaste behavior. He said, “How could you do a horrible thing like that? Take this beautiful young woman in your arms, and carry her across the stream like that?” And the old monk said, “My son, I put her down a long time ago; you’re still carrying her.”

Confront Kindly & Courageously

Let me clarify what confrontation is not; it is not yelling and scraming matches; it is not hysteria. It is meeting someone face to face, in privacy. Allow both sides to speak their truth honestly and directly. Now, keep in mind that we often open the door to the other party’s hurt feelings, as well. So, not only will we be sharing our hurt feelings but we’ll likely to need to respond to the hurt feelings of another. Take turns, listen, and express empathy.

Demonstrate Mature Self-Respect

The fear of standing up to a boss is larger than the reality. We tend to respect people who stand up for themselves. By calling the pink elephant what it is you demonstrate several positive attirbutes:

You are willing to stand up for yourself and not be pushed around. You show courage and maturity. You demonstrate that you’ll stand up for your convictions and ethics. You convey an ability to deal effectively with people and that you have leadership potential.

Reshape Another’s Self-Concept

The best defense is a strong offense. The solution to working with and even loving a difficult person is to give them what they crave when they’re not upset. Become a source of psychological nourishment for that person.

Let me tell you about a scenario that happened in the work place but you can adapt this to use at home or in a friendship: A particular restaurant manager often yelled at this one waiter for even the smallest things. In a quite, nonhectic moment, the waiter turned to the manager and said, “You know what I appreciate about you, Mr. Smith? You seem so calm and cool under pressure; I find that so amazing!” Now, the great thing about this is that Mr. Smith recognized himself enough to say, “Well, I do love my cool sometimes…..I am sorry about that.” The waiter was then able to connect with his manager with, “Yes, I guess everyone does at one time or another. You just seem to be in control more than most!”

Now, when the manager saw himself through the eyes of his waiter, and when he felt compelled to yell at the waiter, he stopped himself – because he didn’t want to shatter the image of being someone in control.

To change this relationship even further, the waiter then asked the advice of his manager on something non-restaurant related. They key is that when we offer our advice, we’ve made an emotional investment in someone. As with any investment, we care about what happens to it; we take care of it and don’t abuse it. The yelling came to a complete hault.

Express Empathy Not Explanation

A young mother I know has done a beautiful job with her toddler on creating mutual respect. One day when her little guy acted out under unusually stressful circumstances; the stress got the best of her and she responded in a way that she wouldn’t have normally. Her son immediately turned to her and said, “You hurt my feelings!” She stopped, thought about it and apologized to him, taking responsibility for her behavior and agreeing that it was not the most appropriate response. Then, could mother and son discuss what she expects from him and herself during the next meltdown.

How loved this child must feel knowing that he can take a risk and share his inner thoughts without fear of repercussion. He knew he was wrong, but was secure enough to say, “please do not hurt me when I misbehave.” Imagine the security of being valued, valuable, and safe.

Adult children are “coming home,” quite often and for usually three basic reasons:

1) Economy. Unemployment is rising sending a lot of young adults packing it back home.

2) Debt. School loans, especially, are making moving back in with mom and dad enticing to help the new graduate get their finances in order.

3) Illness or divorce. About 25% (1/4) of all divorces happen within the first 5 years of marriage. Not much income has been created during this short period of time making it difficult for some young people to survive on his or her own.

While parents are often more than willing to assist both emotionally and financially during these tough times, they potentially suffer the largest risk. During the time when they should be building a substantial retirement savings account, they are picking up a child’s student loan. As parents try and do too much for their children, they get off course in planning for their own financial future, and then, interestingly enough, the burden bounces back to them down the road, needing to care for aging parents who cannot afford proper living arrangements themselves. The mental health key: have both parties become individually independent.

A viewer e-mail I received recently had in the subject line: “THEY’RE BAAAACKK!”

“Three years ago, my daughter moved out. Last week she moved back in, with a husband and baby in tow! It’s cramped in my tiny home and I find myself babysitting way too often. I want to be “Grandmother” not “Mother.” I feel I’m being taken advantage of. Help!”

While I don’t have more details than what’s printed here. My first suggestion is that it’s not too late to develop a plan of action and expectations.

Establish Action Plan & Expectations

Ensure that you and the other parties have the same expectations about your living arrangement. Ask of them what you would of any border regarding obligations, expenses, and chores. Ask, “Why are we doing this?” Is it for your child to begin their career; save money; prepare for graduate exams and school; receive respite from an abusive relationship? Or, is it for free babysitting or until a couple can afford a home? Let’s get everyone on the same page immediately. Discuss what you expect around the issues of having guests; level and type of music allowed; TV viewing times; drugs and alcohol use; parties and events; pets; child care; and respect.

Respectfully Charge Rent
This next tip is controversial; charge rent! How dare I have the audacity to suggest charging a family member rent?! I use the word “respectful” because that’s exactly what it is. It conveys the belief that “I believe in you; you have all the skills, talents, and abilities to handle adult responsibilities, starting with rent.” Many fellow experts agree that charging rent is key to a child’s development. Having a monthly financial contribution helps adult children prepare for independent living and contributes to the needed household resources.

Do not take out a home equity loan or borrow form your retirement to meet the needs of your adult children. That would be foolish. Be supportive without limiting you own financial options. That is YOUR responsibility.

This e-mail came from Steve in West Jordan:

“I love my children but I no longer want to live with them! Both of my adult sons have returned home to live and save money for homes. My wife and I are at opposite ends of the spectrum….she spoils them and I want to “grow” them. I’m ready to go find a house of my own since I’m no longer the King of my Castle!”

These are not unusual feelings; one parents resentment over the other parent’s over-involvement.

Insist Spouses Stick Together

Just like when you’re children were younger, do not let them divide and conquer. Support each other in your parental decisions. Do you remember the “sandwich technique?” When you want to talk about a sticky situation try a positive followed by the request, and the followed by another true positive. For example, “Honey, I love what a dear, loving mother you are to our boys. And, I’m concerned that we’re doing them an injustice with our high level of generosity and low level of expectations. I miss not being on the same page with you.”

Spouses on both sides of the arrangement need to stick together. When an adult child and their spouse move in, that adult child needs to remain and adult and revert to their childhood role. Spouse need to cleave to one another; you are first and foremost a spouse to your partner not a child to your parent.

Determine Time Limit & End Goal
The ultimate goal is independence, right? Set a time limit for how long it may take to establish independence.” The definition of one person’s “independent living” may be different than another’s. Are we waiting to save a million dollars, or is it when enough money for a down payment on a modest home is earned?

Keep the lines of communication open with all parties and regularly review the terms and conditions of your shared housing arrangement. Time limits can be adjusted; just be certain to keep the other party abreast of any changes or problems as they arise.

Parents (Home Owners) Rule Roost

The more generations that share a house, the more complex the situation can be. Whomever’s home we’re in trumps! The home owner or renter makes the rules. That needs to be made clear to everyone, especially grandchildren. They are used to looking to their parents to make the rules. While older parents are the executives of the household, adult children should help craft some of those rules. It needs to be a “we” arrangement. Make all rules mutual and explicit; rules about buying food, phone and computer use, as well as household chores and responsibilities. Grandparents, by the way, can check to see whether or not they are eligible for a tax credit if grandchildren have moved into their home.

Lastly, of course, what’s most important for all parties is to keep their commitments to each other. If parents and their adult children hold to their agreements and respect each other, few problems will be encountered. It can actually prove to be a very sweet time of positive memory building if handled well.

Divorce comes with painful costs; not to mention the emotional toil divorce has on adults and children. The Healthy Marriage Initiative is to help couples better prepare themselves for marriage before wedding vows and to help others strengthen their existing marriage, post wedding vows.

This emphasis on preparation and education is a growing trend among marriage and family organizations. What we have found is that the better prepared and educated both parties are going into marriage, the greater the happiness and success of marriage! Utah’s Healthy Marriage Initiative is part of this national trend. Two of our key goals are to maintain two-parent families and prevent family breakdown.

I have created an acronym on how to start off on the right foot in marriage. As a matter-of-fact, the acronym you’re using is just that: S.T.A.R.T. It’s all about starting off on the right foot….and staying there.

“S” = Sanction

The definition of “sanction” is to “make our oaths binding.” Sadly, too often we are cavalier about our vows and ‘cleaving to one another.’ We promise to forsake all others; this means mom and dad, co-workers, jobs and hobbies. We need to make that one person the most significant person in our world; again, and again, and again. I interviewed a couple of 70+ years of marriage recently and was struck by their ability to draw a tight circle around their relationships. Their eldest daughter said, “they did EVERYTHING together! If dad needed to go to the dump, mom went to the dump! If dad wanted to go hunting, mom went hunting. They were never without the other during my childhood and now adulthood; they remain each other’s best friend, companion, and confidant.”

“T” = Turn Towards

This is terminology coined by Dr. John Gottman from the University of Washington. In our continuing to turn towards another, we stay updated on dreams, aspiration, personal trials, and triumphs! Close relationships consist of a series of “emotional bids” -that is, your partner reaches out for emotional connection with a comment, question, smile, or a hug. You can choose to:

1) Turn away, ignoring the bid.

2) Turn against, reacting with anger or hostility.

3) Turn toward, showing you’re open, listening, and engaged.

Habitually turning away or against your partner’s bids harms marriage, while turning towards your partner strengthens emotional bonds, friendship, and romance.

“A” = Affectionate

Inevitably, when I have couple fills out an Emotional Needs Assessment Questionnaire, BOTH of them have “Affection” listed as one of their top-three emotional needs. Talk with each other about what “affection” means to you; how you’d like it to be; look; act; feel; and the frequency of affection. Have a way to say that a “quickie” or a cuddle is perfect…or that you’re interested in a more gourmet full-out love-making session.

I had an advisor once said, “if we can’t talk about ‘it’ then they ought not be doin’ ‘it!’ Get comfortable around the language of affection; physical, emotional, and sexual. Taek small steps but keep progressing.

“R” = Responsible

Do what you say you’re going to do and accept responsibility when you can’t. Be accountable for your actions, words, and feelings. Two individuals who are 100% accountable for themselves, who don’t not blame others for their lot or make excuses for breaking promises, create a tremendous foundation for their partnership. Be responsible for your fidelity; for how you spend money; for your time; actions; emotions; and physical health and well-being. (If you’re sick…go to the doctor!)

“T” = Time

There is no substitute for time in our relationships. Quality is not a sub for quantity.

Often times we’re given the advice, just relax!” If it were only so easy, right? We all have busy lives and the thought of meditation and personal development, even though we continually hear bout its benefits, can seem all too daunting. I have simplified the process to ensure that we achieve the biggest bang for every minute of self-care invested in ourselves!

This really can be easier than we make it,

We have the belief that life is hard….and it is, at times. However, our thoughts and actions either support or suppress our life progression. And we are all progressing…how we “progress” is the question. Small steps and little changes can have large impacts.

The acronym B.R.E.A.K. can help us deal well with the stressors of life and be more relaxed. The first letter, B, stands for breathe.

B.R.E.A.K. To Avoid Breakdown

B: Breathe & Be

Dr. Andrew Weil reports that breathing exercises get more favorable responses from patients than anything else he teaches. The secret of breath work’s power is that it can remarkably influence and even reprogram the nervous system. From increasing energy to lowering blood pressure to improving circulation and beating anxiety, deep breathing takes the cake!

One particular relaxing breathing technique is known as a natural tranquilizer:

4-7-8
* Exhale completely through your mouth.
* Inhale quietly through your nose to mental count of 4.
* Hold breath for mental count of 7.
* Exhale through mouth, with “whoosh” sound for a count of 8.
* Repeat the cycle.

Now that we’re no longer holding our breath, let’s add a mantra to the mix.

R: Retreat & Repeat

When under pressure and feeling stressed over the tasks of the day, pull yourself away for a mini-break. Retreat to a favorite park bench or room in the house or office. Going outdoors is most beneficial allowing you to take advantage of a change in temperature, fresh air, and change in sights and smells. Take it all in. Allow your mind to repeat a favorite mantra or just one word, “peace.” One of my favorite mental exercises that I do nearly every day is an extremely powerful self-transformation Hawaiian technique called Ho’oponopono.

Ho’oponopono

Dr. Hew Len worked as a staff psychologist for Hawaii State Hospital, from 1984 to 1987, overseeing high security unit housing male criminally insane patients. Now, to make things clear – these are the type of guys you don’t want to turn your back on. These guys committed murders, rapes, assaults and due to their degree of “insanity” were locked into psychiatric high security facility. Violence against each other and staff members were common.

Fast forward to 1987 (3 years later) wrist and ankle restraints were no longer used in this facility. Violence almost ceased to exist, only involving mostly new patients. New off-site activities were introduced to former violent patients. The spirit and order in the unit was greatly improved and eventually the whole unit was closed because there was no need. People just got improved, healed and released or moved into other non-violent wards.

This all was documented, described by multiple witnesses and personnel.

How did such miraculous change took place in the hospital?

According to Dr. Hew Len:

• He did not do any therapy or counseling with patients
• He did not attend any staff conferences on patients
• He practiced updated Ho’oponopono process on a daily basis that included accepting 100% of responsibility for everything being experienced by him. (Zero Limits, page 142)

Dr. Hew Len improved and practiced updated Ho’oponopono process every day and this process caused the most miraculous transformation within the most challenging environment.

We carry inside us as parts of the Unconscious Mind, all the significant people in our lives. (These parts of us often look very much like Carl Jung’s archetypes.) Ho’oponopono makes it “all right” with them. The process of Ho’oponopono is to align with and clean up our genealogy as well as to clean up our relationships with other people in our lives. Think of someone in your life(or past) with whom you are not in alignment with; in other words, they continue to cause you much grief! Picture them in your mind’s eye and offer the following chant:

1) I love you.
2) I am sorry.
3) Please forgive me.
4) Thank you.

Here are my other two favorites!

The Sedona Method

Step 1: Focus on an issue that you would like to feel better about, and then allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling in this moment. This doesn’t have to be a strong feeling. In fact, you can even check on how you feel about this exercise and what you want to get from it. Just welcome the feeling and allow it to be as fully or as best you can.

This instruction may seem simplistic, but it needs to be. Most of us live in our thoughts, pictures, and stories about the past and the future, rather than being aware of how we actually feel in this moment. The only time that we can actually do anything about the way we feel (and, for that matter, about our businesses or our lives) is NOW. You don’t need to wait for a feeling to be strong before letting go. In fact, if you are feeling numb, flat, blank, cut off, or empty inside, those are feelings that can be let go of just as easily as the more recognizable ones. Simply do the best you can. The more you work with this process, the easier it will be for you to identify what you are feeling.

Step 2: Ask yourself one of the following three questions:

• Could I let this feeling go?
• Could I allow this feeling to be here?
• Could I welcome this feeling?

These questions are merely asking you if it is possible to take this action. “Yes” or “no” are both acceptable answers. You will often let go even if you say “no.” As best you can, answer the question that you choose with a minimum of thought, staying away from second-guessing yourself or getting into an internal debate about the merits of that action or its consequences.

All the questions used in this process are deliberately simple. They are not important in and of themselves but are designed to point you to the experience of letting go, to the experience of stopping holding on. Go on to Step 3 no matter how you answered the first question.

Step 3: No matter which question you started with, ask yourself this simple question: Would I? In other words: Am I willing to let go?

Again, stay away from debate as best you can. Also remember that you are always doing this process for yourself—for the purpose of gaining your own freedom and clarity. It doesn’t matter whether the feeling is justified, long-standing, or right.

If the answer is “no,” or if you are not sure, ask yourself: “Would I rather have this feeling, or would I rather be free?”

Even if the answer is still “no,” go on to Step 4.

Step 4: Ask yourself this simpler question: When?

This is an invitation to just let it go NOW. You may find yourself easily letting go. Remember that letting go is a decision you can make any time you choose.

Step 5: Repeat the preceding four steps as often as needed until you feel free of that particular feeling.

You will probably find yourself letting go a little more on each step of the process. The results at first may be quite subtle. Very quickly, if you are persistent, the results will get more and more noticeable. You may find that you have layers of feelings about a particular topic. However, what you let go of is gone for good

The Work

The Work is a simple yet powerful process of inquiry that teaches you to identify and question thoughts that cause all the suffering in the world. It’s a way to understand what’s hurting you, and to address your problems with clarity.

In its most basic form, The Work consists of four questions and a turnaround. For example, the first thought that you might question on the above Worksheet is “Paul doesn’t listen to me.” Find someone in your life about whom you have had that thought, and let’s do The Work. “[Name] doesn’t listen to me”:

1. Is it true?

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

4. Who would you be without the thought?

Then turn it around (the concept you are questioning), and don’t forget to find three genuine, specific examples of each turnaround.

After you’ve investigated your statement with the four questions, you’re ready to turn it around (the concept you are questioning).

Each turnaround is an opportunity to experience the opposite of your original statement and see what you and the person you’ve judged have in common.

A statement can be turned around to the opposite, to the other, and to the self (and sometimes to “my thinking,” wherever that applies). Find a minimum of three genuine, specific examples in your life where each turnaround is true.

For example, “Paul doesn’t understand me” can be turned around to “Paul does understand me.” Another turnaround is “I don’t understand Paul.” A third is “I don’t understand myself.”

Be creative with the turnarounds. They are revelations, showing you previously unseen aspects of yourself reflected back through others. Once you’ve found a turnaround, go inside and let yourself feel it. Find a minimum of three genuine, specific examples where the turnaround is true in your life.

As I began living my turnarounds, I noticed that I was everything I called you. You were merely my projection. Now, instead of trying to change the world around me (this didn’t work, but only for 43 years), I can put the thoughts on paper, investigate them, turn them around, and find that I am the very thing I thought you were. In the moment I see you as selfish, I am selfish (deciding how you should be). In the moment I see you as unkind, I am unkind. If I believe you should stop waging war, I am waging war on you in my mind.

The turnarounds are your prescription for happiness. Live the medicine you have been prescribing for others. The world is waiting for just one person to live it. You’re the one.

Examples of Turnarounds

Here are a few more examples of turnarounds:

“He should understand me” turns around to:
- He shouldn’t understand me. (This is reality.)
- I should understand him.
- I should understand myself.

“I need him to be kind to me” turns around to:
- I don’t need him to be kind to me.
- I need me to be kind to him. (Can I live it?)
- I need me to be kind to myself.

“He is unloving to me” turns around to:
- He is loving to me. (To the best of his ability)
- I am unloving to him. (Can I find it?)
- I am unloving to me (When I don’t inquire.)

“Paul shouldn’t shout at me” turns around to:
- Paul should shout at me. (Obviously: In reality, he does sometimes. Am I listening?)
- I shouldn’t shout at Paul.
- I shouldn’t shout at me.
(In my head, am I playing over and over again Paul’s shouting? Who’s more merciful, Paul who shouted once, or me who replayed it a 100 times?)

Embracing Reality

After you have turned around the judgments in your answers to numbers 1 through 5 on the Worksheet (asking if they are as true or truer), turn number 6 around using “I am willing …” and “I look forward to …”

For example, “I don’t ever want to experience an argument with Paul” turns around to “I am willing to experience an argument with Paul” and “I look forward to experiencing an argument with Paul.” Why would you look forward to it?

Number 6 is about fully embracing all of mind and life without fear, and being open to reality. If you experience an argument with Paul again, good. If it hurts, you can put your thoughts on paper and investigate them. Uncomfortable feelings are merely the reminders that we’ve attached to something that may not be true for us. They let us know that it’s time to do The Work.

Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done. This doesn’t mean you must invite him to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see him again, you may even divorce him, but as you think about him are you feeling stress or peace?

In my experience, it takes only one person to have a successful relationship. I like to say I have the perfect marriage, and I can’t really know what kind of marriage my husband has (though he tells me he’s happy too).

E: Eat and Evalu-ate

Here’s an area that medical doctors and psychologists don’t spend nearly enough time on with our clients. Eat and evaluate how foods make you feel. When I am feeling down, I make a concerted effort to consume more nuts and blueberries and less Diet Coke. Not only are artificial sweeteners not a diet aid, they contribute to us gaining MORE weight, and the aspartame stops production of serotonin, the feel-good neurotransmitter in the brain.

If you want to LOOK more beautiful for a big event coming up, like a class reunion or wedding, start consuming more of the foods that help you shine from the inside out. We can escape the stress that’s internal or mental; it always shows on the outside. A make-over will not cover the problem areas we’re trying to conceal. Not only are there certain beauty foods we can list here but there are feel-good foods that not only balance your moods but boost your brainpower, as well.* (list foods)

Dr. Perricone’s Top 10 Superfoods: 1. Wild Salmon*

2. The Allium Family Garlic, Onions, Shallots, Leeks and Chives 3. Old fashioned oatmeal

4. Blueberries*

5. Ginger Root and Turmeric

6. Extra Virgin Olive Oil*

7. Nuts & Seeds*

8. Rainbow Foods brightly colored fruits and vegetables 9. Sprouts

10. Yogurt or Kefir

A: Act Now!

I love commercials that have a call to action. When you think of calling a friend to set a lunch or dinner date, act now! When you ACT on a hunch or a thought, you propel yourself forward. When it occurs to you to look into taking up piano or music lessons, again, act now! When a funny joke hits you, act now and tell a co-worker or family member out-of-the-blue. When children are playing on the living room floor or outside on the lawn, act now! Go join them; get on your hand-and-knees and feel the grass or the carpet. Engage, be present, and play! Act now! Play is such a great escape from stress…..children remind us how to do it!

K: Kinder-Binder

Best way to clean the mind clutter and refreshen my thoughts is to do for someone else! Think of something fun, a surprise, a silly little gift…or simply just focus on making someone’s day. Not only will others, family members or friend, hear your kind sentiments, your own inner ear also receives the benefit of kind words, shared special memories, and overall thoughts that make you smile! What we do for others binds to us, as well! (for better or worse!)

My client was sharing how frustrated she becomes with her 5-year-old daughter who talks non-stop…it makes this mom feel irritated, frustrated, and angry! Someday she has a hard time feeling loving, maternal feelings for her daughter. Her new challenge was to redirect…not just her daughter but herself! She uses the momentum of exasperation to start herself off. She says, “Ashley!! Wow, you have beautiful brown eyes! I can see them in the rearview mirror…and I love your smile! Ashley, have I told you how much I love you?? You are my Baby Girl!” (Ashley loves it when her mom tells her this!) After awhile, not only is Ashley feeling great, but her mom has softened her own heart towards Ashley, recalling those loving, motherly feelings towards her, once, again. Our own inner ear is always eavesdropping!

Whether you and your family are year-round school or are enjoying summer break, it’s always the right time to learn how to improve your relationships with your children and set them up the best way you can for success.

I laugh at one of my colleagues in a major university who says it this way: “They arrive in their minivans and SUV’s, with sets of extra-long sheets, computers, and extension chords, already for a successful semester. They have researched campus safety, discount textbook outlets, and even individual professors. But they are not honor students…they are not even students at all. They are parents, prepared to swoop in to protect their college student from any level of harm or discomfort.” Life anything else, it’s possible to have too much of a good thing. Helicopter parents who have taken parental involvement a bit too far. The analogy of balance I like is to encourage parents to “come to the game,” cheer from the sidelines, but stay off the field.

Several cultural shifts are responsible for the change in parent behavior: technology, allowing us to stay connected 24/7 makes it easy to cross the line in over involvement, and safety threats, such as, Columbine and 911, pulling on our sense of security and control. The third reason is that parents want to “do better” than their own parents. They want more attention then they feel was paid to them, and society has increased the pressure to be successful in all areas of life, especially parenting.

Understandably, the big concern is that after 18 years of mom and dad hovering inches away, adolescents fail to develop safety skills, study and sleep habits, sharing skills and self-reliance. Parents have the best of intentions; they want their children to have the best so they do what they think is best for them. But in doing so have failed to look at all the life lessons their child has yet to learn because their parent has been so involved in their life.

The best advice is start well-ahead for this huge change of adulthood. Gradually give more responsibility, resist the temptation to step in, and allow your child to tackle issues outside their comfort zone. That is the best gift parents give their children.

5 Characteristics of Healthy Parental Involvement

Be Engaged

School age children spend 70% of their waking hours (including weekends and holidays) outside of school. The majority of their learning happens with you! Contribute to their achievement by reading to them, taking trips together, guiding TV watching, and providing stimulating experiences contributing to their overall learning. Monitor their out-of-school activities; stay in tune with their worries and life pressures. Establish a time and quite place for studying; assign responsibility for household chores; remain firm about bedtime and dinner time.

Be Exemplary

Your example is your greatest influencing power – perhaps your only influencer. Model the value of learning, self-discipline, and hard work. Let them see you struggle to learn something new and stick with it until you’ve mastered it. Demonstrate that achievement comes from hard work…and only from hard work! Let them see the personal satisfaction that you experience from blood, sweat, and tears. Celebrate their success on a project by emphasizing how all their hard work paid off, as well.

Be Expressive

Express your expectations with your child; keep them high but realistic. Children will usually aspire to what we set for them…that requires a wise balance. Set goals and standards that are age and child appropriate, recognize and encourage unique talents, and inform family and friends of child’s hard work and success. Rejoice in their talent and earned skills!

Be Encouraging

Encourage a child’s development and progress in school; encourage them to develop good supportive peer relationships; discuss the value of a good education and possible college and career options; stay in touch with teachers and school staff, their friends and their friends’ parents. Encourage discussions about all topics; let nothing be off-base. You want to be the expert your child trusts most. If you don’t know something say, “Let’s find out about this together,” and then follow through and do the research!

Be Enthusiastic

While we try and teach children all about life, they teach us what life is all about. Be enthusiastic about the things that motivate and inspire them. Get curious about them; allow them to teach you. Be active with them. If they’re interested in motocross, go to a motocross game. If they like bugs and slugs, allow bug and slugs to mean as much to you as that child means to you. Family participation in education (both in and out of the classroom) is 10 times more predictive of a child’s academic and life success than socioeconomic status. Be enthusiastic about THEM, most importantly! Greet them in the mornings or when they come home from school or work, enthusiastically! Let them know that you are happy to see them and that they are valued, by you, beyond measure!

Put a Control-Top on Thoughts

You know how we love control-top hosiery and how it makes us feel a bit more confident when wearing that form fitting dress? It holds us in; we feel a bit firmer and more in control – not everything is hanging out all over? Well, may I suggest a control-top for our minds, as well? We need to be firm with ourselves and prevent that negative self-talk from flowing freely by controlling it. When putting your best foot forward you CANNOT afford the luxury of a negative thought! When a negative belief oozes outside the control-top (your mind) put in back in its place. Confident people are not in denial about their strengths and weaknesses – they are able to hear feedback and evaluate themselves fairly. However, they do not tell themselves they are sure to fail an important task, or that they are useless, hopeless or incapable. Maintain the mental form that will allow you to step out of yourself and connect to others. This is what determines successful people (not perfect people) from those who don’t take risks and never get a chance to see what they’re made of. Thought-control is key!

Forget Self, Focus on Situation

It is so important to take good care of ourselves and look our best. Hygiene, attitude, and attire are important extensions of who we are. When we take care of ourselves and make efforts to dress to the best of our abilities for the occasion, these actions tell our mind that we are valuable and have something important to contribute to others. Then, when we’ve done all you can to put our best foot forward…we can forget about ourselves! Not only does this lead to more confidence but greater happiness! Nothing makes me feel more self-aware and insecure than when my thoughts are all about me, myself, and I. There is no “I” in the word “peace.” Involve others in a conversation about the food, atmosphere, summer vacations, and children. The best tool in the art of communication is LISTENING.

HeartMath Researchers, an impressive group from Stanford and the Miami Heart Research Institute determined that our heart generates an electromagnetic field around us that is several feet in diameter and 5,000 times greater than the field generated by the brain. Your honest concern will reach and enter the hearts of others. Look after the other people you are talking to – focus on their comfort and you will be far more relaxed than when you are worrying about yourself.

Repair & Recovery When “It” Happens

It’s bound to happen; you forget someone’s name, or you find yourself accidently spitting instead of speaking. A dear friend of mine was at a cocktail party, meeting new work associates and she was so intent on the conversation at hand that when she went to sip Diet Coke through her straw, the straw went up inside another orifice; not her mouth. She stood there for a moment with this straw inside her nostril before she said, “You know, I’m talented but I can’t really use a straw this way.” Her sense of humor broke the ice and everyone laughed with her. It’s often the imperfections that join and bond us to each other. Have a few recovery statements on hand like, such as, “I’m sorry…let me try saying these words instead of spraying them all over!” Or, “that was a smooth move on my part, wasn’t it? If you want any tips on grace and charm, sign-up right here!” We have all been there….acknowledge what just happened and move on!

HOW TO LOOK CONFIDENT

By Studio 5 Beauty & Style Contributor Holly Stone

Smile

As the song goes, “You’re never fully dressed without a smile”. A smile speaks even when you are saying nothing. A smile can express happiness, peace, approachability, and confidence. In his book”How to Win Friends and Influence People,” Dale Carnegie talks about an important need of humans to have meaningful relationships with others and how good social interrelationships can lead to much success in life and in business. In his book the very first chapter is devoted to the “big secret of dealing with people”, the importance of a smile. He speaks of the importance of using the smile to create good, positive first impressions. A smile is the most important thing to “wear” to put others at ease and help you find the confidence within. So when faced with an intimidating situation: Stop. Take a deep breath. And Smile. Your body and mind will follow suit…

Get Dressed the Right Way

We all put our pants on the same way-one foot at a time. However, our choices in pants vary based on lifestyle and circumstance. Research your schedule of events and make sure you are putting your best image foot forward. If you make an effort at the beginning of the day to make yourself presentable, you will not have to worry about making excuses for your appearance later. If you look sloppy, you will feel sloppy and you will possibly hide your beautiful self behind self-conscious body language, a lowered head and excuses. Don’t miss out on the opportunity to meet that new job “in”, or a new friend just because you didn’t make the effort to dress to the occasion. When you look put together, you will feel more confident and will be more amenable to new situations and meeting new people.

Image is Etiquette

All too often we associate Image with vanity, superficiality and shallow thinking. When we understand that image is a form of communication, and therefore good image etiquette is about social manners, we realize that it is not “ALL ABOUT ME”, but truly about being respectful to others. You can communicate respect to another through good grooming and thoughtful image. When people sense you care about them, the reciprocity of kindness begins. If you feel well received by others, your confidence gets a natural boost.

Image is also malleable. You can always change your style or image. Pay attention to how you feel when you dress a certain way or wear your hair and makeup in a particular fashion. If you’re feeling less than great, simply make small changes to your overall look. But remain true to you. Remember you will always make a better YOU than your best imitation of someone else.

Self-confidence is like a muscle; it can be strengthened and built-up. There are two things that we as mothers, big sisters, aunts, and grandparents can do to help a young woman in our life increase their overall self-confidence:

• Love “Irrationally” Every Day: Tell her every day that you love and value her, and create tangible expressions of it. (When adolescents have at least one adult in their lives caring unconditionally – “irrationally” – they do exponentially better.) Encourage a convoy of social support, as well, by including relatives and neighbors to join in.

• Share to Cement Relationship: Share your own experience with self-confidence issues in order to strengthen your relationship and convey that there is “light at the end of the tunnel.” Teens have a hard time understanding that we were young once, too, and dealt with heart-break, failing grades, and poor self-confidence.

I’ve broken down today’s tips into 5 categories all beginning with the letter “C.” These 5 “C’s” come from a multi-million dollar grant from the National 4-H Council. In surveying thousands of teens nationwide is that the teens who had a healthy adolescence and smooth transition into adulthood had 5 characteristics in common. (This landmark study specifically involved over 4,000 teens from 25 states over an eight-year period.)

The 5 “C’s” for Raising Confident Young Women

1. Competence
The most important way in helping our young women develop confidence is to help them identify their competencies. Observe the activities your child naturally gravitates toward. How does she spend her free time? Remain as objective as possible ~ notice what she likes not what you wish she would like. Support her interest in collecting rocks, listening to music, painting, reading or even fashion! While you may be against her spending her allowance on magazines, join her in discussing the pictures and ads that you see. Talk about air brushing, the different shapes and sizes we all come in, role models versus fashion models……be careful not to appropriate or squelch a particular interest. This interest may be the introduction towards building valuable skill sets and career direction.

2. Connection `
The best way to connect with a young person is to LISTEN! What’s more important than sharing your thoughts and beliefs is to show your teen that you are listening intently. Some teens want your full attention ~if so, stop typing at the computer, turn off the television, and maintain eye contact. When you do talk, keep your comments personal and specific. Other teens find maintaining eye contact too intense. They may find it easier to speak freely in the car, while your eyes are on the road rather than each other.

Support your teen connecting to others, whether that is with other family members, coaches, teachers, or neighbors. Encourage and help them foster peer relationships and yet do not shrink from taking the heat when you disagree with a friendship that is hurtful or unhealthy.

Research indicates that boys and girls both tend to select friends whose values correspond to those maintained in their homes. So the best way to endure that the connections your teen is making with peers are wholesome and reflect your values is for you to closely connect to your teen about your values. Let her know what you believe and why you believe it.

Lastly, open connection opportunities up with their peer group. Invite them over ~ make them welcome with a space they can be comfortable in and have snacks available. When kids congregate at your home, you stay connected. Listen and look for the windows into your daughter’s life when others are around ~ there is a lot of information to be gleaned about her world from the conversations her peers are having.

3. Character
Confident young women are charitable – they will take your lead and often want you to work alongside them in a volunteer position through your church or community. The home is also a powerful place to instill character. Expect teens to do chores around the house. Few things build character and confidence like having a job to do! Working, whether in or outside the home, teaches a young woman the importance of being dependable, punctual, responsible, adaptable, and efficient. Chores that build character are those that teens understand are important and essential to the family’s functioning. Model for them that your feelings and actions are one! Let them see you be honorable at the cash register by giving back change if too much was given, or reminding the clerk to charge you for the detergent that’s on the bottom of the cart. Do not let yourself get away with something…any given moment can be a teaching moment.

Teens that grow up not understanding that they need to be true to themselves and others, or believe it’s acceptable to cut ethical corners, often end up with a cynical view of human nature. They care only about the results; and not the process. However, teens with character become adults who are capable of going beyond the self. They are committed to enhancing the world around them. Confidence comes from selflessness.

4. Caring
Caring about others builds confidence because it takes us out of our selves. There is no letter “I” in the word “peace.” Caring is contagious. Caring parents raise caring, confident young women. A child who comes from a compassionate home will be sensitive to others. Caring can casually be reinforced. Don’t hesitate to share your feelings with your teen. Let them know how they influence your feelings. When something they do makes you happy, sad, angry, frustrated, or inspired, tell them! At the dinner table or around the house, become as opinionated as a talk show host about those issues close to your heart. Explain why you care so much. Discuss the state of the world. Make it acceptable to have and share an emotional life with your teen. When teens care about others they will develop plans that take the feelings of others into account. With their compassion, they will stop to consider their impact upon others.

5. Contribution
Contributing to others and to society is the glue that creates healthy human development. By enhancing the lives of others, we simultaneously build better lives for ourselves. Encourage the young woman in your life to participate in causes that align with her interests. If your daughter in passionate about animals, perhaps she volunteers for the humane society. If she is more people-oriented she may be more interested in volunteering her time in a nursing home or hospital.

Real contributions, the ones that are most heroic and important, are often born amid adversity. We don’t always get the date that we want, or the part ion the play, or win the student body elections or debate challenge. Part of being a successful confident young woman is to learn to bounce back from disappointments and to set new goals.

Sir Winston Churchill said it best: “Success if not final; failure is not fatal. It’s the courage to continue that counts.”

We often here that nothing is as certain as death and taxes…but you may as well add “criticism:” to the list! It seems inevitable if we associate with anyone; whether at home or at work.

Conflict and criticism is inevitable when people come together through common activities or goals and see things through their individual lenses. Conflict and intimacy go hand-in-hand; it’s not a bad thing at all. As a matter of fact, it’s necessary for close, high-quality relationships. No matter what side you’re on, the giving or the receiving, it’s how you express your position that determines your effectiveness in connecting with others. Complaints can be difficult to hear and to say…but they are worth the work because they bring us to a greater understanding of each other and they allow us to resolve problems.

Criticism and complaints come with little notice. The neighbor knocks on the door, your boss approaches your cubicle, or your spouse says, “we need to talk.” The adrenalin starts pumping much like it does before a big race; there isn’t much time so we need to practice ‘ready, set, go’ to our advantage. Use these 3 quick steps to prepare for connection, not contention.

Get Ready

Prepare yourself to receive criticism with confidence. A complaint or a criticism is someone’s opinion that they want to share with you. This neutral definition doesn’t determine that the opinion is right, or that it’s the only one, or must be acted upon immediately. If you can accept this definition, you are half-way to welcoming criticism. Get curious; not furious.

This person is coming to me – that takes a lot of effort and time. I could choose to be flattered by their attention and desire to improve a situation. Their opinion helps me to understand them better and see how they view the world, including how they perceive me.

We all have blind-spots; this person could be right…I want to hear what they have to say, especially when I remember that this is one opinion. But again, that opinion could be correct! So now I’m starting to feel a bit more excited and curious; not so anxious.

Get Set

Set yourself outside yourself…dissociate. If you are highly sensitive to criticism, and many of us are, remove yourself by imagining placing yourself in the other person’s shoes; or as a bug on the wall; or in the audience of a movie theater watching the scene between you and another person unfold on the screen above you. Hear carnival music in the background; imagine yourself in the future at age 95 and look back at your younger self being criticized. Instead of hearing your boss’s criticisms, see the words being printed on a page so they are more palatable.

Some clients mentally ready themselves by imagining placing their ego in a cushioned box on a top closest shelf during the feedback session; others imagine a safe, firm protection around their heart that allows them to hear anything without it causing much of a sting. Rituals and mental exercises can be powerful! Now you are ready to evaluate the criticism with your mind not your heart.

Go!

Go with the feedback. No interruptions; no defensiveness; keep breathing….hear your critic out. Taking notes can be useful. It helps one stay unemotional and analytical while showing the other party that you are listening and taking the situation seriously.

The most effective strategy for handling valid criticism is to agree with it. Our agreement will surprise and defuse faultfinders who might be looking for an argument or wanting to elevate themselves, reaffirming that you really are the one with this big problem. You may even want to ask for help: “You’re right. I seem to have foot-in-mouth disease…how do you suggest I overcome this?” Being open to a suggestion helps your critic, who is really trying to help anyway, become a member of your self-improvement team. Close a conversation with, “thank you for sharing that with me…I’m going to really think about this,” or I’m going to develop a plan of action and I’ll run it by you later on today.”

Ambiguous criticism is the hardest to deal with it seems; not really understanding or seeing things the same as the other person. Here are a few “quick tips” to deal with that scenario.

Get Curious, Not Furious

Unclear criticisms needs more information. This is often why we feel the impulse to attack back; because we don’t always trust the sender. They may have ulterior motives and are just looking for a place to find fault. Ask a series of questions. You might say, “I need more information here so I can really understand things from your perspective. Could you tell me exactly when I seemed uncooperative? What would you have liked me to say or do differently? What could I have done to come across better?

Hear the Longing

Hear underneath the words. When a partner says to you, “You never call me during the day. You never send card or flowers like you used to….you are so self-centered!” Now, this is not an effective way of complaining granted…but sometimes the other fails to deliver it “correctly.” Your job now as a partner, regardless of the set-up, is to stay out of the content and hear the longing underneath the complaint. What is your partner longing for here? More time; more attention; they are feeling unloved and unnoticed. While I can’t make someone happy, I do have a responsibility to treat them in away that that I’m most proud of. They could be right; my time and attention has been more on work then on the one person I’m doing all this work for to begin with! Mt partner is right here. I’m going to make changes that beings about more happiness for both of us!

24-Hour Criticism-Free Zone

To gain insight into your own level and style of criticism, for a period of 24 consecutive ours, refrain from criticizing anything, anyone; even yourself. When you slip, you start the 24-hour period all over again. This is to easy…but not impossible either. What an eye-opener! I gave this assignment to a couple once and the woman said, “All right…for 24-hours I try not to criticize or dwell on a critical thought…” and then pointing to her husband, said, “But he will never make it!!” Needless to say, she had to start over a few times! But she made it and recognized just how natural and damaging criticism had become in their relationship. Keep a check on criticism.

Website Resources:
“The Art of Giving and Receiving Criticism, “by John Lund, Ed. D.
“The Relationship Cure,” by John Gottman, Ph.D.

Hot weather is here…just about! Time to break out the short sleeves and short skirts, and bare those arms and legs. If the thought of “revealing” yourself makes you want to grab a full bodysuit instead of a swimsuit, you are in good company. Dr. Liz weighs in on how to Love the Body You’re In.

Nearly every single woman out there can relate to obsessing over some part of her body that just isn’t good enough! Or several body parts that just don’t measure up…or down! Here’s the insane bottom-line, girls: the world tells us to love ourselves as we are…but prefers us thin! And we know it…no matter how much we tell ourselves to embrace our cellulite or jiggly, wiggly arms; we know what is revered! So now, not only do we hate our body but we hate ourselves for hating our body. We have many products in society that tout, “100% satisfaction guaranteed!” Guess what else is 100% guaranteed? Body dissatisfaction. It’s time to start calling it for what it is. Let’s cease expecting perfection and seek progress; what can my body do; what foods help my body perform better; what can I do to help my body feel better; like regular exercise, sleep, and frequent eating. Tuning in helps you tune out (or at least soften the blow of) the negative messages of society.

5 Tips for Making Peace with your Body

End Perfection ~ Embrace Progress

Could we look better, eat better, do better? Always! On a continuum, where is my progress today. So far, I’ve had a good nutritious cereal for breakfast that gave me more energy through the morning…or so far, I’ve been on a walk with my neighbor to get myself ready for the day. What is good today? What was good about last week? I had only 2 self-loathing days instead of 7! Last night, I picked off 4 of the 7 pieces of pepperoni of my slice of pizza before I devoured it. Small, little changes in habits lead to more significant outcomes …eventually. Every moment is a new beginning….we never cease to make inroads one decision at a time.

A little boy came home for his first day of kindergarten raving about his teacher, his new friends, playtime, the snack, you name it – he loved it! The next morning his mom went in to wake him up and said, “Tommy, time to get up for school!” And Tommy moaned from underneath the covers, “Again???” We never cease the effort but we call a cease-fire with our bodies. Love the skin you’re in!

It’s a journey – I do my best to love my body at its current weight. It’s a journey that I embark on every day. It’s a journey that is my best teacher.

“AM I CHASING OR CHOOSING HAPPINESS TODAY?”

For many of us the pursuit of happiness becomes an addiction in and of itself. We get so busy trying to make life better that we forget how to enjoy it. We are so preoccupied with the pursuit that we don’t have time to be happy right now… “I can’t stop yet. Can’t relax yet! Can’t feel good yet!” Then, when we are so strongly hooked to the pursuit, we miss happiness when it shows up. We are literally M.I.A. Your life changes when you stop chasing happiness and you decide to be happy in this moment. Longitudinal happiness studies show that the best predictor of future happiness is current happiness. Your attitude towards now determines your capacity to enjoy the future.

Additional Resource: “Be Happy,” by Dr. Robert Holden.

“IS THAT REALLY TRUE?”

Thoughts land on you and I all day long. We have two options: we either believe them or we question them. We are not disturbed by things but by our view of them. We know from research that thoughts have a powerful effect on us. They effect our attitude, physiology, and our motivation to act. Our negative thoughts actually control our behavior; they can cause us to stutter, spill things, forget our lines, break out in a sweat, feel scared, and, taken to extreme, can paralyze or scare us to death.

Additional Resources:

• “Who Would You Be Without Your Story?” dialogue with Byron Katie
• www.thework.com

You may already heard about a man named Nick Sitzman, a strong young man who worked on a train crew. Nick had it all: good health, a beautiful wife and children, friends. But Nick had one major fault – he worried about everything and always feared the worse. One day, Nick was accidentally locked in a refrigerator boxcar after the rest of the crew had left the site. He panicked. He banged and yelled until his fists were bloody and his voice was horse but no one heard him. “I’ll freeze to death in here,” he feared. And wanting to let his family know exactly what had happened to him, Nick found a knife and etched these words on the floor of the boxcar. “These may be my last words. It’s so cold that my body is getting numb and I’ll just go to sleep.” The next morning the crew opened the doors of the boxcar and found Nick dead. The autopsy revealed that every physical sign of his body indicated that he had indeed frozen to death. Yet the refrigeration unit of the car was inoperative and turned off. The temperature inside the boxcar indicated 55 degrees. So – what happened here? Nick had killed himself by the power of his own fearsSuffering is optional. When we argue with what is, we suffer. When ever we experience a stressful feeling – from mild discomfort to tense rage or despair – there is indeed a specific thought causing that reaction whether we are conscious of it or not. The way to end the distress is to investigate the thinking behind the distressing belief.

“WHO DO I WANT TO BE HERE?”

In other words, be the kind of person you want to be not because of who “they” are, but because of who you are. Too often we give our power away; we fall short because we become victim to another’s behavior instead of being true to ourselves.

A client was recently rehearsing with me how she wanted to react one the day she would inevitably run into her former boyfriend – they broke up only weeks ago following a painful experience together; one that neither one of them would likely forget. On top of some behaviors she already regretted, she didn’t want to add any more. She has skillfully planned out her reaction, the words she’d like to say, a kind gesture of reassurance….all because she wants to be the kind of woman that she’s proud of. She is wise enough to know that this interaction will get back to family and friends and she wants to hold her head high; what we do today is often in someone’s else’s memory bank always – we are always writing history.

I am a firm believer in “fake it ‘till you make it.” A fellow therapist gave some interesting feedback to his grocer, Joe, recently. Everything about Joe – his demeanor, facial expressions, and body language spoke for him: Joe was depressed. As my friend stepped up to the counter he said, “Joe, what are you doing? You look younger!” At first Joe looked really puzzled; “I do??” My fellow psychologist said, “I’m serious, Joe. You look like you’ve taken 10 years off! Even your complexion looks younger and healthier. What are you doing?” Joe said, “You really think so, Doc?” “Yes, Joes, I mean look at yourself; you’re standing taller and straighter, and that smile on your face must be telling your brain to turn up all those good neurochemicals.” Joe followed the suggestion and stood straighter with a broad smile on his face. “Doc, you made my day…please come back more often!” This is a great example of “fake it ‘till you make it;” and Joe made it!

We need to be careful with our language; I also encourage clients to listen to CD’s with positive subliminal messages. Science has discovered that many of the hard wired connections appear to give the brain/mind a great deal of control over health, wellness, and longevity. I love anything that helps clients awaken their mind. I am beginning to see a distinct difference between those who meditate with positive subliminal messages and those who don’t. A marvelous resource comes from “Inner Talk” by Eldon Taylor who originated from Utah and the University of Utah. He provides a huge library from clients wanting to lose weight, end self-destructive patterns, and improve their personal power (check out his resource at www.innertalk.com).

“FROM WHOM DO I NEED TO OBTAIN FEEDBACK THIS WEEK?”

We are so afraid of feedback…and we often become defensive when it’s given. Jack Canfield, the co-creator of “Chicken Soup for the Soul,” believes that this one single question he learned from a multibillionaire many years ago is the one main question that has radically changed his life. So what is this magical question that can improve the quality of every relationship you are in, every product you produce, every service you deliver, every meeting you conduct, every class you teach, and every transaction you enter into?

• “On a scale of 1 – 10, how would you rate the quality of our relationship during the last week?”

There are many variations to this question: On a scale of 1 -10, how would you rate the meeting we just had; me as a manager? me as a parent? this class? this meal? our sex life? this segment?

Any answer less than 10 has a follow-up question:

• “What would have made it a 10?”

This is where valuable information comes in; knowing that your partner is dissatisfied is not enough. Knowing the details of the relationship empowers you with the ammo to create a winning connection, product, or service.

Make it a weekly ritual; start tonight. When your partner comes home, ask him or her, “On a scale of 1 -10, how would you rate the quality of our relationship this past week?” They’ll be surprised by encourage them to give a rating. Your spouse may say, all right; I give our relationship a 7!” Your next question is, “What would it take to make it a 10?” Recently I worked with a couple who did this exercise. Her response was, “Our week would have been a 10 had you called me when you were going to be late coming home for dinner; I wait, wonder and worry where you are when I don’t hear from you. Please place your socks in the hamper and not by the end of the bed. Help me get the kids bathed without always having to ask for your help.”

The next most important step on the receiver’s end is to be open to the feedback. Many of us are afraid to ask for corrective feedback because we are afraid what we are going to hear. There is nothing to fear – the truth sets us free. We cannot fix what we don’t know is broken. We cannot fix the relationship or our performance without feedback.

The third part to this important exercise is to be grateful for the feedback without being defensive:

• “Thank you for caring enough to share that with me!”

Take whatever steps are necessary to improve the situation – including your own behavior.

“WHAT IF I MADE THIS EASIER?”

We are so ingrained to work hard; to not stop until the job is done! We think that if a job or task is difficult, somehow it is more noble or we are somehow better for it. Sometimes just this question alone helps me breathe deeper and think more simply; let’s make this easier to accomplish. After all, it was only my thoughts that told me, “this is so hard?” Asking myself, “What if I were to make this easier” breathes new life and an ease into the project, regardless is that project is throwing a party or writing an article. It changes my perspective.

An author once stood before a large audience and she could just hear that negative chatter box….”who do you think you are?” “What do you possible have to share with this educated group of women?” She took just a moment at the podium and stood there; then she reached up and pushed the left side of her brain and then the right side…and began talking. It was an exceptional presentation and seemed to positively affect the masses. One women came up to her afterwards and said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you pushed one side of your forehead and then the other…do you mind me asking you what that was about?” The author, Lisa Nichols said, “I was pressing the “Stop” button on my negative self-talk and the “Play” button on my powerful self-talk so I could give you my best!”

Women have the power and ability to touch a man so deeply by caring for him that he wants to be more …he wants to be better. At his core, a man is hardwired to please his wife and make her happy. Understanding a man’s nature helps you reach the core of who he is and get back from him all that you need to be happily married. We just need to learn how to use our power wisely!

The more we understand the nature of each other, and can appreciate that even our brain structure is microscopically but monumentally different, the stronger the foundation we can build upon. Men do not need to be reformed; they need to be understood. Through that understanding, women can operate in such a way that they then get their needs happily met. It starts by accepting that the power and control is in our hands, first and foremost.

I’ve identified four secrets of happily married women. The first one refers to how we should care for men.

Giving Attention Begets Attention

Men can be thoughtful…but there not always thoughtful in the ways women want them to be. If it’s attention you want from your husband, then give more attention. For example, one woman repeatedly told her husband that she needed more affection from him. She even told him, “I need you to tell me that I’m beautiful!” He didn’t comply to her demands; imagine that! Then one day, out-of-the-blue, her husband paid her an unexpected compliment. She immediately stopped what she was doing, hugged and kissed him, and told him how much that meant to her. She began to do that every time he did or said something kind….and guess what? He pays a lot more attention to her every day now.

We all want out needs met – but females are wired to be the ones who give more emotionally and pay attention to the details…and it pays off when a man feels you care for him. Happily married women know that playing the who-does-what-card gets them nowhere. Most men have a strong need to be taken care of by their wife; domestically speaking. Attending to a man’s need makes a man feel cared for. Caring could be as simple as warming up the oven to heat-up left-over pizza so he has something hot to eat when he comes home late from his meeting; or, surprising him with his favorite ice cream when he opens the freezer door.

Happily married women realize they have something going for them that men don’t have: they are women! We have the touch….and we must use it well! Ample research finds that women who are happiest in their marriages are the ones who see themselves in the traditional role of nurturing caregiver – even if they work outside the home. Perhaps this is because it is congruent with how and who we are biologically and emotionally as women. And it’s this very power that men so readily respond to. When a woman can support and love and cheer on her man, without the complaints and nagging, he is a man that will go to the ends of the earth to please, protect and provide for his woman.

Rewards Leads to Repetition

You want to get a man’s attention: praise! And just like at work, men need rewards for their effort; they don’t want to work for nothing. They need to know their efforts matter. Acknowledge what they do! We all want to be recognized for what we do: but for men, the need is greater. (It’s quite possible that your man is one of the many men who need to feel like super hero!)

Freely give praise and thanks while refraining from nagging and complaining. Can you imagine a boss coming up to your husband saying, “You don’t pay attention to me anymore, John. I’m hurt hat you’re always focused on some project and you never pick up around the office!”

When your husband performs an act of service (I know, you’ve done that act many times over the years for your family and no one’s given you a gold star but just hang on with me), don’t just say “Thanks.” Say “THANK YOU, HONEY!” Follow it with a big hug, since men tend to communicate with action not words. It is no skin off our nose to say, “I so appreciate you doing the dishes; it makes the evening routine go so much smoother.” Trust me, in this spilt-second you have motivated your guy to help again in the future – and he will more than likely do it without being asked because you have made a positive indelible imprint on his brain. And, you get YOUR needs met! Since men are motivated by this request for reward and if keeps them doing the wonderful things they do, and it makes life easier for YOU, why not give it to them??

A husband in my practice the other night said, “I stay at work late because at least there I know what’s expected of me. I know how to be successful there; I don’t have a clue how to be successful at home. “When a woman can say to her husband, “Thank you for working so hard for us,” it melts him to have his efforts and “love” recognized. Without you, a man will still go to work everyday and slay the dragons but without you…it doesn’t have nearly the same meaning.

Love & Regret ~ Often Seen and Not Heard

As women, we re the verbally blessed of the two genders. Our brains are wired to communicate. For men, talk is cheap, action is deep. Certainly men can verbalize their feelings but it doesn’t come naturally the way it does for us as women. When pressured to speak, men default to the left side of their logical brain – the side controlling literal not emotional content. Men express love and regret differently than women. We say, “I’m sorry,” and “I love you.” Easy for us to say because we have we have more nerve cells in the left side of the brain where language is processed. We have to be wise enough to “look” for how men show their regret and love. Men express their emotions more through actions than words. Look for the romantic expressions he does show; filling up your car with gas, picking your clothes up from the dry cleaners,

Instead of sitting down and talking with you about feelings, he may see his hard work as a source of support and a gift to you. This is not necessarily romantic by your standards….by doing things for their wives is what love is all about for a man.

A dear uncle of mine once said, “There is one thing I have the hardest time saying to my sweet wife, and that is, ‘I’m sorry. Even when I absolutely know I was a jerk…those words get stuck!” For most men, saying “I’m sorry” is a much harder challenge than saying “I love you.” Like so many interactions, it is about hierarchy and one-upmanship. When a man apologizes, he doesn’t’ see it as a way of bonding like we women do; for him, it is losing stature. A man does not want to feel like less of a man – even though they are sorry. A happily married women “sees” the apology in her man as he quietly polishes and vacuums her car, or loads the dishwasher, or takes out the garbage.

Notice when your husband speaks his heart through his actions without insisting that he say the words, “I’m sorry.” He may eventually realize that apologizing is not shameful and you will begin to hear those words of love and regret. But we will only be successful if we first stop demanding words and start seeing actions.

Sexual Intimacy Solidifies Connection

Women who are happy in their marriage rarely discount the importance of sexual intimacy as a way for a man to attain emotional closeness to a woman. For men, sexual intimacy makes him feel loved and makes him love you. It is a virtually important part of marriage, and for many men it is the glue that makes their marriage solid. Sex to please a husband is the one of the simplest things a woman can do to boost the happiness level of her marriage. Sex does not mean just intercourse; it means connecting on a daily basis in away that only the two of you can share. It is being intimate, loving, and connected. Too often we are in the habit of spoiling children…when we need to be in the habit of spoiling spouses!

In your mind, picture good, satisfying, bonding, fulfilling, loving marital sex? Now ask yourself if that image compares to your real life. Does what you desire and dream of match what you get? If not, use your skills, influence, and his great desire to make you happy to improve your sex life in ways that make you both happy!

RESOURCES:
“The Secrets of Happily Married Women,” by Scott Haltzman.
“The Secrets of Happily Married Men,” by Scott Haltzman.

We recently received a viewer e-mail, we thought many of you moms out there could relate to. It came from Emily. She writes:

“I had my first baby 4 ½ months ago, and haven’t been able to get my life back. I realize that having a child completely throws your life for a loop, and it\’s a huge change. I love being a stay-at-home mom, but I feel as if my life is not the same emotionally. I do not have time to work out anymore, I am completely sleep deprived, there are some days I can\’t even find the time to get in the shower until my husband gets home from work/school. I seem to have lost that “zest” for life I used to have. Do you have any advice?”

I admire her courage in asking this question! It’s become very clear in our society that it’s not popular for a woman to admit that parenting is challenging and that she doesn’t absolutely love every thing about this little creature all the time.

Here are three Mommy Traps to avoid:

THE TIME TRAP

Perhaps that is the most pervasive myth of our time – that we’re meant to be totally enjoying every moment and every minute of parenting. Bottom-line: it is one of hardest privileges there is. Becoming a mother is what many of us pined for while we dragged our dollies around with us as little girls. Now that real motherhood is here, it’s supposed to be the best thing that ever happened to us…and it very well may be…and it is relentlessly demanding. Sometimes just being able to call “it” what it is can be freeing.

No surprise that “time” is one of the main traps moms fall into. Who hasn’t heard about the family folklore where Grandma or Aunt Edna “never bought anything for herself!” She “always made sure the children had everything they ever needed and wanted, while she”….what’s the rest of that ‘story?’ “went without!” The common reaction? “What a wonderful mother!” We need to re-examine this saintly status myth. Here’s a new belief to adopt: Good mothers care for and respect themselves as part of effective and responsible parenting. Fill your reservoir so you can be proactive not reactive in parenting. Be at your best so you can give your best. Self-care is not self-serving – it serves the entire family.

THE GUILT TRAP

Guilt is a rather powerful emotion. Once you learn about guilt and the purpose it serves, it’ll ruin guilt for good! All behavior serves a purpose. When we can’t be all things to all people, or we lose our cool and toss a Sippy cup across the room or slam a bedroom door, or we leave town without the kids, we feel guilty. A long as we feel guilty….really guilty….we can still claim our “good mother” status. As long as I do what I do with guilt….I’m still a good mom. The cover-up starts with something like; “I know I’m a terrible mom;” or “I feel so bad about leaving the kids behind;” or “I feel guilty doing something or buying something for myself.” Feeling guilty saves face. It gives the term “Mother Superior” a whole new meaning. Next time you play the “guilt card,” ask yourself what you’re giving yourself permission to do or not do, and determine how it threatens your “status.” More importantly, do it anyway, and drop the guilt! (It’s misused, wasted energy.)

THE COMPARISON TRAP

It’s so easy to compare yourself to other moms and to other parents. We often read in parenting magazine, separate the deed from the doer; i.e., “I love you; it you’re behavior I dislike!: Yet we have a hard time separating our child’s deeds from ourselves. Be careful, not to take to much credit or too much blame for your own child. Babies don’t come into this world as lumps of clay that we can mold to our liking. Yet sometimes it feels as though you are the artist solely responsible for their creation. Yes, parents are incredibly influential but there are limits to their influence; other factors beyond us shape our children. Children are creative beings; they make their own decisions and interpretations of life. They experience life through their own lens.

When you can spare yourself from wasting energy on feeling like a “bad mom,” you have more creativity available to you to re-direct your child and focusing on the big picture of parenting; not this one day and time.

Additional Resource: “Breaking the Good Mom Myth” by Alyson Shafer