Occasionally, I’ll find myself saying out loud…”Ah, I don’t wanna play anymore…” I don’t know what I’m really even talking about…perhaps I want to take a break from being meeting deadlines, staying on a budget, working every day, cleaning house, etc.

One day, a young tired mother answers her phone and hears, “I honey…..its mom! I know you must be exhausted with the twins so I wanted to let you know that I’m coming over to take care of the babies, so you take a nap…and I’ll finish your laundry and fix dinner…so just call Steve at work and tell him that he doesn’t have to come home early tonight from work to relieve you. I’ll be right there.”

There’s a long pause on the other end of the phone and they young mother says, “Who’s Steve?? My husband is Frank!” And the woman on the other end of the phone is so flustered and she blurts out, “Oh my gosh I have the wrong number…I’m so sorry.”

The young mother then soberly said…”So….does this mean you’re not coming over???”

THE GREAT ESCAPE

STRESS

Who or what stresses you? Depends on the day, right? I’m impressed with respite care; in our state there is respite care for elderly caregivers and for children. (I’ll find this resource that was recently on the news.) Doing something different, preferably doing something that brings balance and benefit into your life, is key. For instance, let’s say you drop your kids off to another caregiver for a few hours and then you use your free-time to return home and clean-out the pantry, or the basement or the main closet in the front entry. Do something that will bring you peace in the midst of a fast- paced day. Never underestimate the effectiveness of working on an enormous project 10-minutesevery day. It will surprise you how accomplished you begin to feel as you watch the results unfold through any given week.

You can certainly do something mindless with the freedom you’ve been given while the kids are at school or in someone else’s care…that may have its place. But consider choosing something that will aid you when life is bearing down.

SELF

Pop-psychology says that you must “learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else.” That has never made me happy, to tell you the truth. Perhaps it gives me a foundation to build on for the day, i.e., I get myself up, dressed and ready for the day, but ready for what? To, hopefully, make a difference in the life of someone else. Whenever I visit the Pity City of Me, when I’m all wrapped up in myself, I make a very small, miserable bundle. Any time I want to assess how I feel about myself, it always involves another. How I feel about me is determined by how I treat…..YOU. Do you want to know the secret to peace? Genuinely want more for someone else than you want for yourself. You want to write a book? Want that more for your best friend, who also expressed a desire to write a book, than you do for yourself. Want to lose weight? Want that more for your sister, who’s also been on a diet, than you do for yourself. Take a break from yourself by living differently. Don’t drown misery out with medication or shopping or some other substance, Develop more substance from within!

SPOUSE

When you and your partner begin to experience gridlock, take a break in the dialogue, as long as you are both clear about doing so, and state a time when you will return to the table.

Some couples are in such a difficult place they need to create physical space from each other. Controlled Separation is for reconciliation. No attorneys are consulted, no money is moved around, there is no talk of divorce and there is no dating outside the marital relationship…it’s just simply hitting the Hold button. Do you ever want to freeze-frame? I feel that way when there is a special moment with a family member, my dad’s birthday, or a visit from a loved one who lives far away. The concept is the same…the idea, however, is to cease creating any more damage.

One of my couples decided to give each other physical space for 90 days. They were at a critical stand-still yet they wanted to give their marriage every chance of survival; neither party wanted a divorce although they could not see any other way when we first started working together. During this trial separation, he sleeps downstairs in the guest bedroom; they take turns being with the children after dinner and they switch off who leaves to spend the night in a hotel every Friday Night while the other stays home with the children, leading them in household chores on Saturday morning, prior to the other spouse coming home at noon.

This is a fluid, ever-changing, ever-negotiating arrangement within the parameters of protecting the marriage. Too often, we jump the gun, separate without a plan, play the divorce card, involve attorneys and the locomotive comes barreling down the tracks, unable to stop or reverse action. Be willing to think outside the box; and be flexible in doing life differently.

STORYLINE

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

WOMAN WITHOUT HER MAN IS NOTHING.

WOMAN; WITHOUT HER, MAN IS NOTHING.

WOMAN WITHOUT HER MAN, IS NOTHING.

When I go to work on a particular project, and I can feel the pressure and anxiety build, I often say to myself, “What if this were easy?” Is it possible that I could make this easier than I’m tending to make it?” Oftentimes, that is all it takes to set myself free to be creative and unstuck from the belief that “this is gonna be SO hard and take SO long!!!”

SURROUNDINGS
Go for a walk, hop in the shower, take a nap or, if it’s late, go to bed and set your alarm early to begin anew. Let your subconscious mind problem-solve during the night…..leave the situation to gain a new perspective. Change changes.

BOTTOM LINE: When you’re stuck on a problem, try taking a walk, cleaning a closet…doing something totally different. Even sleeping on it proves useful for problem-solving. Everything looks a bit different in the morning…..or in the next moment. Suspend harsh reactions…hit PAUSE.

Marital experts warn that if you’re in a relationship you need to let the “cool, calm and collected” part of yourself fall by the wayside; it has no place in the development of emotional and sexual intimacy in marriage.

As a culture, we often fail to tell each other how we really feel; we need to be willing to stick our neck out a bit. Be unapologetically romantic and see what happens. What do you possibly have to lose? Thousands of people across the country have caught the latest texting trend have and revived romance. It’s all at your fingertips!

1) GRAB ATTENTION

The only rule here is to NOT send an attention-grabber right after you’ve texted about who’s picking up the kids from school. There cannot be a conversation before an attention-grabber; let it stand all alone in order for it to be striking!

Add a smiley face emotion to any grabbers to make it crystal clear to your partner that you’re having fun! =0)

Start with a short, incomplete playful phrase to grab his or her attention. At first, your partner may not even know if it’s something positive or negative that’s about to follow:

“Guess what?”

“Psssst…”

“Are you there?”

“I have to tell you something.”

“I can’t stop thinking….”

“You did it again….”

“Do you have any idea….”

“Tell me….”

“You are so….”

Now, you can either wait for your partner to say, “What?” or you can forge ahead with the details

“Guess what? I can’t stop thinking about ..…..what a good man you are.

“…….and how great you made me feel last night.”

” ……how I’m obsessed with you =) .”

“You did it again……you distracted me! ”

” ……took my breath away! ”

” ……made me fall more in love with you. ”

“Did you know…….that you‘re on my mind right now?”

” ……that I can’t stop laughing about this morning?”

” ……that you make me tingle in more ways than one?”

“I can’t believe…….how lucky I am to share my life with you.”

” …….how happy you’ve made me over all these years.”

” ……. how amazing/handsome/intelligent/strong you are.”

Secret: Women, unlike us, men love to be objectified ……. so go for it! Tell him how you love his biceps, 6-pack, strong legs, barreled chest, salt-and- pepper hair, etc.

“I can’t stop thinking….about how handsome you looked in your suit last night.”

” ……how safe I feel in your big, strong arms.”

” ……..about hot you looked getting out of the shower this morning.

2) DETAIL ADORATION

The best way to make your partner swoon is to send honest, focused details expressing your appreciation for true, core traits. The more detailed,honest and personal your expression of adoration, the more sincere it will be. (Now, at first your partner may not know how to respond…that’s OK, stick to it; the results will be oh so worth it!)

“What I’ve always loved about you is……how you keep going even when things are tough,”

“I don’t say it enough but I love……..your integrity/loyalty/humility/tolerance/strength.”

“I admire….how hard you work/how you think/how you take care of our kids/your health/me!”

“I cherish…..how thoughtful you are/how you make me laugh/how you care for our home.”

“I treasure…….how dedicated you are. I always know you’re there for me and our family.” “I love……your sense of adventure….how you’ll try anything once and see every challenge as an opportunity. I feel so lucky when we go out into the world knowing something wonderful is going to happen because you’re by my side.” =)

“I’m blown away by you every day.”

“I have to pinch myself sometimes.”

“I wish you could see how wonderful you are.”

“Thank you for being such a big part of my life.”

“I’m thankful/grateful/blessed to be married to you. (Sigh)”

3) SPARK SENSUALITY

Sensual texts are purely physical. Think of your 5 senses…touch, talk, sight, sound and smell. Use ‘em! These are the texts that convey you’re thinking of that person, find them attractive, have “plans” for them that night or you just want to flirt and fire-up the chemical reaction.

(Sight)

“You have the most beautiful lips…I love the way they feel when we kiss. When you kiss me, every problem fades away.”

“I love being wrapped in your arms…I know nothing can hurt me and I never want to leave.”

(Touch)

“I love the way I feel when you touch me; your fingers feel electric on my skin.”

“I love how it feels when you run your fingers down my back/through my hair/up my arms.”

“I love how your body keeps me warm at night. There is no place I’d rather be than right next to you.”

(Sound)

“You have a sexy and deep voice…just hearing it makes me shiver. You’re my man.”

“You have no idea what your voice does to me. When you whisper in my ear….I’m helpless.”

(Remember the more you can translate what you like into what effect it has on you, the more powerful it will be.)

“You have no idea how handsome you are; I’m just sitting here thinking about your stunning blue eyes and how they smile at me when we’re close. It makes me want to dive in and get lost forever….you are so sexy to me. How I yearn for you; wish you were here right now. Hurry home!”

This is such a small tip of the iceberg. Mike Fiore writes a great deal about the subject and even appeared on the Rachel Ray show to share some of his titillating texts. Find out more about his “Text Back the Romance” program at texttheromanceback.com.

A sign of good marital health is when you hear your partner voice his or her belief that your marriage is in need of professional help. Let their voice alone be good enough for you to be willing to find a qualified marital therapist. There are a variety of resources for finding a good therapist: referrals from family, friends or other professionals, such as, family doctors or attorneys, medical insurance companies, Google search, and therapist websites. Two of my favorites aretherapistlocator.net and marriagefriendlytherapists.c om.

It can be hazardous to choose a therapist who lacks the training and expertise to work with couples. Sadly, too many couples enter into marriage therapy with a counselor who is lukewarm in supporting life-long commitment. Just like in choosing a marriage partner, there are few things we could do to compensate for choosing poorly a marriage counselor.

Here are some questions to ask marriage counselors as you interview them over the phone:

“Can you tell me about your background and training in marriage counseling?”

“What percentage of your practice is marriage counseling?”

“What percent of married couples break-up while seeing you in marriage counseling?”

“How do you see the importance of keeping a marriage together when there are problems?”

“What is your experience in working with marriage couples in our situation?”

Once you obtain your short-list of qualified therapists, choose as best you can according to personality. Choose someone you seem to “click” with or whose communication style you resonate with. Both partners should reach a consensus on choosing a marital therapist; each of visit with a therapist on the phone before the first meeting, if at all possible.

Family and marriage family therapy costs can vary widely. Rates vary from $75.00 to $200.00 per hour, but many therapists offer sliding-fee-scales based on income and some accept insurance. More often than not, however, especially for marital therapy, your costs will be out-of-pocket because few insurance companies cover marriage counseling. Master-level therapists are generally less-expensive than someone with a doctorate degree; you don’t always get what you pay for. There are some exceptional marriage and family therapists with masters degrees.

Since most marriage counselors see couples one session per week for the first three months, you can expect to pay about $1,200 in that time period. When evaluating the cost of marriage and family counseling, consider that family therapy has been shown to reduce health care use of 22%! And, according to the American Association of Marriage & Family Therapy, family therapy requires 30% fewer sessions than individual therapy.

Most clients have paid less than $1200 by the time they complete their therapy. However, some counseling can continue weekly for as long as two years before the problems have been resolved. That would cost a couple $10,000 over two years. While it may seem like a fortune, it doesn’t begin to touch the costs of divorce. To help put the costs of marital therapy in perspective, there would be nothing you could buy for $10,000 that would give you the same quality of life that a healthy marriage provides. If you have each other and you work hard to meet each other’s emotional needs, you’ll be able to go without many material things and still be happier in the end.

One rainy afternoon, while riding a city bus, Gretchen Rubin asked herself, “What do I want from life, anyway?” Her answer? “I want to be happy” ~yet she realized she spent no time thinking about happiness. In that moment she grasped two truths about herself: she wasn’t as happy as she could be, and her life wasn’t going to change unless she herself made a change. Her epiphany of, “the days are long but the years are short” made her realize that time is passing quickly and she wanted to focus more on things that really mattered. Thus, she dedicated an entire year to the study of happiness. Her book, The Happiness Project, merges the wisdom of the ages with current scientific research. Gretchen Rubin’s idea for a happiness project is no longer just a book or a blog; it’s a movement.

She dedicated each month in a year to an important happiness concept; I chose 5 of my favorites to introduce to you.

“The Happiness Project”

BOOST ENERGY
Acting energetic causes you to become more energetic.

Research shows a virtuous cycle: being happy energizes you; in turn, feeling energetic makes it easier to engage in activities like socializing and exercising, which, in turn, leads to increased happiness, and so the cycle continues. Studies also show that when you feel energetic, your self-esteem rises. Feeling tired, on the other hand, makes everything seem arduous. Go to sleep earlier.

• Exercise better.
• Toss, restore, and organize.
• Tackle a nagging task.
• Act more energetic.

BE SERIOUS ABOUT PLAY

• Find fun.
• Take time to be silly.
• Go off the path.
• Start a collection.

Studies show that the absence of feeling bad isn’t enough to make you happy – we need to find ways to feel good, and play is one of them!

Fun falls into three categories: Relaxing fun, challenging fun and accommodating fun. I love Jerry Seinfeld’s quote, “There’s no such thing as ‘Fun for the whole family.’” Going to a family holiday dinner, even going to dinner and movie with friends requires accommodation. It strengthens relationships, build memories and its fun ~ but it takes a lot of organization and coordination.

Research shows that challenging fun and accommodating fun, over the long term, bring more happiness because they are sources of they are the sources of the elements that make people happiest: strong personal bonds, mastery, and an atmosphere of growth.

MAKE TIME FOR FRIENDS

• Remember birthdays.
• Be generous.
• Show up.
• Don’t gossip.
• Make three new friends.

By acting friendlier, we feel friendlier. Acting in an outgoing, talkative, adventurous or assertive way makes people – even introverts – feel happier. One conclusion is blatantly clear in happiness research: everyone from contemporary scientists to ancient philosophers agrees that having strong social bonds is probably the most meaningful contributor to happiness. We need close long-term relationships, we need to confide in others, and we need to belong. Having strong relationships lengthens life, boosts immunity and cuts the risk of depression.

A big part of friendship is showing up. Unless we make consistent efforts, our friendships aren’t going to survive.

It’s easy to say to yourself, “I don’t have time to meet new people or make new friends,” but usually that’s not true, and making a new friend is tremendously energizing not enervating. New friends expand our world by introducing us to new experiences, interests, opportunities, and can be an invaluable source of support and information. You can play the same role for them!

One strategy this author adopted for making friends was that any time she entered a social situation where she was meeting new people; she set herself a goal for making three new friends. Having a numerical goal seemed artificial at first but it helped her change her attitude from, “Do I like you? Do I have time to get to know you,” to ” Are you someone who will be one of my three friends?” Somehow this shift made her behave better: it made her more open to people; it prompted her to make more of an effort to get to know others.

BUY SOME HAPPINESS

• Indulge in a modest splurge
• Buy needful things
• Spend out
• Give something up.

Money alone can’t buy happiness. But money can help buy happiness when spent wisely. Whether rich or poor, people make choices about how they spend money and those choices can boost happiness or undermine it. We can all do a better job of spending money in a way that boosts happiness.

Think about spending money on things that help you to stay in closer contact with family and friends; to promote energy and health; to live in a more serene, organized environment; to work more efficiently; to eliminate sources of boredom, irritation or conflict; and to have experiences that will enlarge you.

Instead of grabbing a bagel for lunch because it’s inexpensive and quick, think about spending more on a nutritious salad or soup and fruit in order to do something for your long-term health.

CONTEMPLATE THE HEAVENS

• Read memoirs of catastrophe.
• Keep a gratitude notebook.
• Initiate a spiritual master.

People assume that a person who acts happy must feel happy, but although it’s the very nature of happiness to seem effortless and spontaneous, it often takes great skill.

One of the passages in Story of a Soulby Therese is most compelling in the view of happiness research. She observes that “for the love of God and my Sisters, I take care to appear happy and especially to be so.”

We can set out to imitate Therese by doing a better job of acting happy when we know that our happiness would make someone else happy. We don’t want to be fake but we can make more of an effort to be less critical. We could find ways to be authentically enthusiastic about new foods that aren’t necessarily our favorite, activities that aren’t our first choice, or movies, books and performances with which we could usually find fault. Usually, we can find something to praise if we make the effort to do so!

For the love and family and friends, let’s appear happy and, especially, to be happy.

The term Wabi Sabi is a concept derived from Zen Buddhist teachings that means finding beauty and perfection in the imperfections. For instance, if you had a large vase with a long crooked crack down the middle of it, a Japanese art museum would put the vase on a pedestal and shine a light in the crack OR they might fill the crack with 24-karat gold! Sadly, our culture has conditioned us to expect perfection from our treasures, ourselves and others, leading us into a perpetual state of frustration and dissatisfaction. The human mind tends to be a fault-finding machine, focusing with laser- like precision on what’s wrong versus what’s right.

FIND PERFECTION IN IMPERFECTION
Wabi-Sabi Love is the answer to the universal dilemma and struggle of living with and loving another human being. The goal is to refine ourselves in such a way that the imperfections are truly perfections! Imperfection is in, its own way, more valuable than perfection itself.

Changing just one thing about how we look at our partner can alter our entire perception. We always have a choice. Wagging a finger elicits a different response than offering a hand.

Remember, the cracks are where the light gets in.

WEAR “ROSE-COLORED GLASSES”
Research at the University of Buffalo revealed that putting on “rose-colored glasses” and idealizing your partner actually leads to more happiness and relationship satisfaction. This is also known as the Pygmalion effect; the phenomenon in which the greater the expectation placed upon people, the better they perform. It’s a form of self-fulfilling prophecy. As mature adults, we get to choose our thoughts and beliefs so why not intend and expect the best out of ourselves and our partners? So, instead of being upset with your partner for falling asleep while you were watching tv together Sunday Night, savor and simmer the two previous nights when there were intimate moments shared together. Be willing to become myopic on your focus of what is good versus what isn’t.

CHANGE FROM “ANNOY” TO “ENJOY”
Think of something that completely drives you crazy about your mate. Then, see how you can turn it around from something that annoys to something that brings joy. One woman was so exasperated with her husband’s need to stop and met new people and share silly jokes. She has heard all of these jokes a million times and, furthermore, she gets annoyed because whenever they are out and about running errands, she has to wait for him while he stops and talks and entertains someone.

One day, while she found herself waiting for her husband for the third time in less than an hour, she caught a glimpse of him sitting on the curb with a little boy who seemed bored to tears and lonely, while waiting for his mother. She could overhear him share a joke with the little boy that caused this boy to burst out in laughter. Just then, this boy’s mother came up and flashed her husband a huge smile for his kind effort…and in that moment, after a decade of marriage, this wife finally understood her husband’s true nature. He wasn’t trying to make her crazy…he was trying to make people happy. She found beauty and perfection in what nearly made her insane.

SHARE PARTNER’S PASSIONS
It does require genuine effort to find your own passion in what your sweetheart is already passionate about. For instance, soon, we will have March-Madness, the college basketball playoffs. Many husbands love basketball; many wives do not. (I apologize for the stereotype…but let’s use this for an example.) One wife, married to a true college basketball diehard, decided that this particular year she was going to embrace this specific passion of her husband. She stated to join him on the couch and watch the last 15 minutes of every game her was watching. Her husband seemed to really delight in the fact that she genuinely became more interested in his love for basketball even though she called the end of the quarter the “end of the inning.” She began to appreciate how the kid in him lit up with every great play and how he began to share more of his own collegiate career memories as a basketball player, allowing her to appreciate and admire him in a whole new way.

While you may never grow to love your partner’s passion as much as he or she does, you can learn to ‘grow your own heart’ by learning how to love and support the things that are really important to them. Talk about an instant connector!

EVOLVE BEYOND WOUNDS
True love requires us to grow up and evolve beyond our wounds. As adults it’s not IF we have wounds, but which ones DO we have. It is not the responsibility of our partners or our marriages to heal us from them. But it’s so easy to reject each other in our relationships when our partner seems to “act out” or become hurt. When a young child falls down and scrapes his knee we come to his aid by picking him up, drying his tears and soothing him with Sesame Street Bandages. But when an adult acts imperfectly or “falls” in some way, it’s much harder to extend the same comfort. Unfortunately, we often shun and judge our partners without realizing that his or her actions may have been triggered by an internal wound that we can’t see. (I’ll give an example from my practice if there is time.)

BOTTOMLINE: When you find yourself obsessing about the cracks in your partner, imagine filling the cracks with a bright light or 24-karat gold. The one thing often lacking in any situation is that which we are not giving…..remember to give acceptance to the perfectly imperfect.

For more information, purchase the book “Wabi Sabi Love” by Arielle Ford

Successful relationships are all about connection.

If a couple is unable to make a genuine connection, literally there are no particular words to fix what’s wrong. They can hammer and drive their points home or be nice for the sake of keeping the peace, yet no matter how articulate or forceful or compliant, the disconnection remains. Sometimes this is for a day…sometimes it is for years; sometimes, sadly, forever. Whether it gets expressed directly or not, the continued experience of feeling unseen and unheard leads to being disengaged and/or enraged.

When a couple is in a reactive mode, words get drowned-out by their individual needs to hang on to how they have been offended by the other. Talk is cheap ~ it’s what we do with each other all day long. In the heat of a fight, combatants are too busy thinking up their next remark to even hear a conciliatory gesture.

Out of UCLA came the research that our communication is 93% nonverbal; tone, pitch, volume and timber are large conveyers of the message. If the speakers tone isn’t perfectly angelic, which is often the case between resentment and remorse, the gesture lacks conviction and the attempts to repair are often unsuccessful and leave a couple feeling even more hopeless.

This is where written messages seem to have an edge. The novelty of the visual format increases the odds of them being received and appreciated. Some critics might say, “How am I supposed to look up a flash card and use it when I feel so enraged or hurt or triggered? It feels awkward or clumsy…” The key to self-mastery is to physiologically self-soothe; consciously shift gears and choose to be in your right mind versus your reactive one. Connection takes time, effort and energy….using flash-cards is a great way to get out of your own way and get your relationship back on track.

There are different categories of flash-cards to fit different purposes within relationship repair. The first category is Shifting Gears:

“THIS FEELS AWFUL….CAN WE START OVER & LISTEN TO EACH OTHER?”

Anytime we experience our partner as difficult we often forget that they are not enjoying the negative exchange any more than we are. When you present this flash-card to your partner, it is almost guaranteed to “de-enemy-ize” you and surprise them with the awareness that you are both feeling the same thing, a distaste for what’s going on between you. And the secret wish of every human being is to be “felt.” In other words, to be understood, known, or “gotten.” Being heard is a significant step towards feeling “felt.”

Another category is Setting Limits: You look at these as interpersonal stop signs for when things are spiraling out-of-control and you are feeling overwhelmed and helpless.

“PLEASE TALK TO ME LIKE I’M SOMEONE YOU LOVE.”

This statement is powerful because it immediately gets us out of the content and into the heart of the relationship. Both of you deserve to be treated lovingly. Couples have penetrated steel walls by ignoring all manner of criticism and attack by simply holding up this one flash card.

All of this seems to be about “Expressing Vulnerability.” It does feel a little risky to flash a particular card to your partner; what if they laugh or roll their eyes?

“I’M AFRAID TO BE REAL WITH YOU.”

Expressing vulnerability is to help you loosen the grip anytime your initial instinct is to protect yourself from feeling insignificant, weak, needy, awkward, unlovable, or unattractive. These insecure feelings are not to be ashamed of; they are beautifully human. The best way for me to connect to another person is to first make myself “connectable” by being vulnerable, real and honest.

It’s never easy to take responsibility…we get so caught up in what the other person is doing to us…yet it’s one of the most powerful categories.

“I REALLY MISSED YOUR POINT…PLEASE GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE.”

To own your over-reactiveness, scariness or relentlessness or owning that you have a blind spot regarding your impact on your partner, has a healing element on your relationship like no other. It takes the wind out of your partner’s angry sails and leaves them with the feeling that, “He/She gets it!”

In one session, a young husband couldn’t let go of the fact that earlier in the week, at 3:00 in the morning, he got up to use the bathroom, painfully stubbed his toe, while his wife seemed to fake being asleep, offering no comfort or empathy for his plight. The wife insisted she must have been asleep, understandably, since it was so early in the morning, but this man could not let it go. Suddenly the wife took a deep breath and confessed, “I wasn’t asleep. I did hear you. I was drained from the day, worried that I had to get up early for work and wasn’t feeling very nurturing. I am so sorry…I can see how un-taken-care-of you must have felt.” He simply smiled and said, “I love it when you tell the truth.” The love and trust in that moment was far beyond what it would have been if at 3:00 AM she had been Florence Nightingale.

The final category is “Apologizing.”

“I’M SO SORRY I COULDN’T HEAR YOU SOONER.”

I deeply appreciate a sincere apology because it is such a beautiful expression of both vulnerability and responsibility-taking. We feel loved because our partner is willing to own something less than honorable about them with the intention of being clean in the relationship. Our partner, in turn, gets to be loved and seen as honorable. This flash care has the potential to make your partner feel deeply felt and cared for. With very few words, this flash card says to your partner, “I’m sorry I forced you to live in this world one minute more than you had to feeling you weren’t making sense to someone who matters so much to you.”

This time of year is full of strong feelings and emotional sentiment about how things should and should not be. An individual, who is usually reasonable and of sound-mind 364 days of the year, can become ferocious at the suggestion of a simple change to a Christmas tradition.

A girlfriend of mine called me in tears yesterday regarding all the angry e-mail exchanges among her family members surrounding the topic of, “what are we going to do for Christmas Eve?” Some people wanted to play games, others wanted to watch a movie, some family members complained last year’s program went too long and voted not to read the Christmas story this year. When the suggestion of food was broached, some wanted potluck, others wanted a catered dinner, one person even said they hated last year’s dinner so they didn’t want a “repeat roast of 2010.” Other disagreements were over the Elephant exchange; “can we just have one for the adults, and not the kids?, or do we need to continue to have two different exchanges, one for the adults AND the kids?” The tears and the ideas went on and on.

So right off the bat you suggest that the person who HOSTS decides the MOST.

HAVE HOST DECIDE MOST

The rest of us get to practice being gracious and kind. Isn’t that wonderful? If you have tension in your family right now, hooray! You will especially feel the true spirit of Christmas this weekend because it will be such a contrast to how you feel right now. As you practice Christmas, whatever that means to you, you will notice the striking contrast. Without the juxtaposition, the true meaning might elude you. So take advantage of it; let bygones be bygones; forgive; be flexible; be kind; be grateful. When it is your turn to host or to be in charge of the white elephant game, do it your way. But this year, it is not your turn and the holiday will not be ruined because of the absence of or adjustment to such tradition.

AVOID FAMILY FUEDS

Avoid this tempting triangle of taking sides. (Ever heard of the Bermuda Triangle? It’s not good, trust me!) If you are the newest one in the family, watch out! because others may want you for a team-member to strengthen their side. One of the e-mails my friend received from her step-mother in- law was, “You’re not going to believe what so-and- so said about you?” This can be such a hook if you’re not careful. Remember, emotions run high, this communication did not come to you directly and could easily have been misinterpreted along the way; and who among us hasn’t said something in frustration about each other to each other? The best answer, “Oh, there must be some misunderstanding because I adore _____. Thank you for telling me but I’m sure ______ didn’t mean it to come out that way. Everything will work out and we’ll have a wonderful holiday/party/dinner.”

MODEL KIND CONNECTIONS EARLY

Model kind, respectful relationships with your extended family members, including all your variety of in-laws. Even before your children reach the age of young adulthood, discuss with them your family traditions; which ones came from generations before, which ones started when you and their father married, and open the door to discuss what traditions they think they might want to start in their own families one day. Help them build their own ornament assortment they will take with them one day for their own holiday decor. Notice the message it sends: “I want you to grow up and have a family of your own one day; I trust you to be able to do so. And, I am readying myself for you to one day leave and live a successful life of your own. That is why I’m raising you as well as I can. You never were mine for keeps. One day you will be part of a much larger family and won’t that be wonderful!”

You may remember me telling you about the story of a friend of mine who, in those ripe teaching moment would say to her son, “Learn to do this for Barbara. Do it for Barbara…Honey, one day Barbara will love you for it!” Finally one day he said, “Mom, who in the world is this Barbara?” She replied saying, “Well, Barbara is just the fictitious name I’ve given to the woman who will one day indeed by your wife. I’m trying to live right by you and AND by Barbara.”

BE FOREVER WELCOMING

We can’t perfect what we haven’t practiced. Open up the communication doors, especially as your teenagers begin to date. Become familiar with the other parents and their rules, morals, and values; share yours and find common ground you can agree on. Give your children the opportunity to build a connection with these other parents; help them practice being respectful and kind. This sets precedence for building good in-law connections later on down the road. Practice leads to refinement.

If you are an adult and are dating, question the belief of “it’s best to wait until we’re really serious before introducing each other to our families.” Do it sooner than later. Every situation with your dating partner teaches you about that person’s family-of-origin ~ those family members play a large part of how that person came to be. Learn all you can. The only time I would maintain the rule that you wait for personal introductions is when we are talking about introducing your minor children to your dating prospects. Make certain that you are serious enough about your dating partner to introduce them to your children; otherwise, it’s too confusing to children to be introduced to the ‘flavor-of-the-month.” It makes your dating life seem cavalier and careless.

Perhaps this is the genesis of everything; there is often a we-against-them mentality. Is your son good enough for my daughter? And vice-versa? We are proud of our families, we prefer our own type, we like our own foods, culture, and traditions. So, the more we practice opening up our arms and enlarging our hearts and flexing our flexibility muscle, the more refined we will be as our family grows and blossoms, changes shape, color, texture, style, and even religious extensions.

ALWAYS MAKE A “CONTRIBUTION”

Start with the end in mind…..think what you can contribute to game night, Christmas dinner, or Sunday brunch that will leave any setting better because you were a part of it (certainly not worse because you were a part of it!) An easy-going attitude and quick-smile are sure winners when nothing else comes to mind.

Keep your eyes out for new board games, family activities, questions to ask your in-laws about their childhoods; stock-pile an arsenal of tools to assist you in getting to know your partners family. It’s hard to dislike someone is who genuinely interested in us. Remember your youth! This family was formed long before you came along; do not “think” your ways are better or more refined. They may be, but just thinking them so makes them not so! One of the important steps in being happily married is to be a good in-law. Start being a better mate today by improving the relationship you have with your partner’s family. Start somewhere. Start NOW!

Narcissism comes from a tale in Greek mythology that describes a handsome youth, Narcissus, who, one day, while stopping to drink from a forest pool, catches a glimpse of his reflection in the smooth water. Smitten by his sight, he falls madly in love with his own beautiful image. He lies next to the pond, staring at his own reflection in the water. But whenever he reaches into the water and tries to embrace the image, it dissolves. Unable to kiss hold or anyway capture his true heart’s desire, he dies of unrequited love.

The Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI) is the most widely used measure of narcissism in social psychological research. Although several versions of the NPI have been proposed in the literature, a 40-item forced- choice version (Raskin & Terry, 1988) is the one most commonly employed in current research. The NPI is often said to measure “normal” or “subclinical” (borderline) narcissism (i.e., in people who score very high on the NPI do not necessarily meet criteria for diagnosis with NPD). However, research has found that people who score high on the NPI are more likely to cheat in game-play and romantic relationships, take more resources for themselves and leave fewer resources for others, value material things and be obsessively concerned with their outer appearance.

The 7 factors of the NPI that are roughly scored are the following: (We can discuss on-air how some of these traits are to be expected with self-starters, people in the media, politicians, etc. I scored 23; Darin, what about you?)

Authority

Self-Sufficiency

Superiority

Exhibitionism

Entitlement

Vanity

Exploitativeness

Reflections and Recognitions of Narcissism
Healthy Self-Esteem vs. Narcissism

Think of someone in your life who exudes an abundance of self-worth and ask, “In what ways do you think you need to grow or change?” If the person is psychologically healthy, the list will be long. Self-wroth is based on truth and reality not pretense. Healthy people know they are always a work in progress. Narcissists, on the other hand, will tell you they have no changes to make. Although people with narcissism live in anguish, they refuse to admit that their own behavior has anything to do with their discontent.

Unconditional Love vs. Conditional Love

To maintain a relationship with narcissists, it’s imperative to remember they generally detest themselves on some level. They have fully incorporated the values of some highly judgmental social system, albeit a family, community or even religion, where love was given or withheld depending on external criteria. (“If you are beautiful, thin, talented and athletic, you’re loved; if you’re not, forget it!”) People who are socialized to believe that their worth is based on their performance become addicted to perfectionism the way drug addicts become hooked on their intoxicants. They crave praise because it is the closest they ever get to feeling unconditionally love.

When parents, especially, are consistently attentive, regardless of mistakes and poor choices, a child internalizes the message that he or she is a person worth loving. They learn that they do not have to earn or demand their parents’ affection, nor do they have to manipulate them to get it. When we know we will always be accepted, we don’t mind admitting our limitations or imperfections.

Enjoyable Interconnection vs. Invisible Emptiness

Think of someone who has a seemingly abundant sense of self-satisfaction. Now think about the way you feel after an interaction with this person. If you feel warm, nourished and valued, you‘ve probably encountered someone with a healthy self-concept. If, on the other hand, the conversation leaves you feeling ashamed, confused, self-doubting or invisible, break out the caution sign. You may be dealing with someone who has enough narcissistic traits that a close relationship may make it impossible to achieve if this person is unwilling to recognize their debilitating vulnerabilities.

Heartfelt Empathy vs. Disdain & Disregard

Parents, understandably, see their children as the center of the universe. However, excessive attention can make a child perceive the world as existing only for their benefit. If a child is never made to wait or told “no,” they never learn how to adjust for others or learn to self-sooth. Children who are always rescued when disagreeing with others never learn compromise. Children who are not shown how they hurt others never get to practice empathy.

In Narcissism, there is a overvaluing and undervaluing of others. It is so easy to say, “Well, I would never be unempathic towards those who are hurting,”……yet, we are sometimes. You don’t have to look far to recognize our lack of empathy with Hollywood celebrities. We have become preoccupied with exalting them when they’re up and kicking them when they’re down, just like the old Don Henley song. Many of us, not just the press and the paparazzi, have harshly criticized Britney Spears or more recently Kim Kardashian and her 72-day marriage. We have not always been emphatic but contemptuous as these reality starts just try to be human in the public eye. We don’t know what goes on behind what we see portrayed through the Internet, media and social networking sites. Error on the side of mercy.

Self-Disclose vs. Self-Protect

People struggling with narcisstic traits never laugh at their imperfection or mistakes because their foibles are a matter of life and death, to their sense of esteem, anyway. Practice telling others about a mistake you made in a way that’s designed to make them laugh with you. If we want to be unconditionally loved, we have to practice being the real deal so that when people choose to love us it is the real person they love; the one without the pretenses. There is nothing better than to be truthfully known and loved because of it!

Draw your children, family and friends closer through your charming, warm and beautifully imperfect self. No other substitute will do.

These types of people are often identified as a “narcissist.” Do you know one? Are YOU one? Take this test to see how your own personality adds up.

Given that we live in a culture saturated with sexual messages, talking with your teenage kids about sex is a crucial part of supporting them in passing through the teen years as unscathed as possible. According to the Center for Disease Control, nearly 1 in 2 high school students have experimented sexually at least once, and 14% had four or more sexual partners. Some parents would rather do anything than talk to their kids about sex. Teen sex is their nightmare, and they hope that by not talking about it their teens will never have it during these hormonally turbulent years. However, accurate, informative, realistic information is their best way to increase their child’s wisdom surrounding the decisions they make about romantic relationships, as well as to increase the trust they have in you. Not talking about sex with your children doesn’t’ stop them from hearing about it; it just stops them from hearing about it from you.

Time Your Timing

Keep in mind that your teenage son or daughter is likely juggling a hundred things that you are not aware of. Don’t expect them to be ready to talk about sex whenever you are. Bring the subject up at a time and place where you both will feel comfortable and free to speak your minds. Broaching the subject just before their date on Friday Night, or right in the middle of their favorite television show isn’t the best timing and will not grant you the open communication that you had hoped for.

Don’t be put off by your teens attempts to shut down your overtures. Many adolescents have told me that even though they acted embarrassed and uninterested in their parents’ efforts to engage them in these difficult discussions, they appreciated their parents’ concerns and efforts to guide them in this confusing area.

Share Rules, Limits & Beliefs

Informal talks with your daughter and son shouldn’t focus solely on the “how-to’s” of sexual facts and scare tactics. Target the emotional and social factors of teenage sex and sexuality, in addition to your own values regarding sex within a committed, caring marital relationship. Be willing to say to your son or daughter, “I want you to have the best in life! Your body is moving faster into adulthood than any other part of you. Because I love you, I will always be honest with you; I want to earn your trust so that you can come to me with any questions. I see that you and so-and-so are continuing to get closer and closer. I wanted to be certain that you and I had talked about something that I have coined “the point of no return.” Because sex is such a powerful experience, there are going to need to be limits that you and I need to chat about that keep you going down the path you want most.” Tell them what necking is and that there are erogenous zones that add to the excitement and can cause you to feel swept away because it is such a god feeling…..used at the right time and in the right place. Be clear what petting is and the appetite and drive that it induces and why we are more successful in keeping sexual urges in line with they are bridled….not killed!

Widen the Circle

A common mistake we make as adults is thinking that we can control teens by putting our foot down and forbidding them to see someone they have feelings for. One of my family’s is going through a tough time with their 18- year old daughter who was reportedly seen by her little sister making out in the car with her new boyfriend. This younger sister ran to her mother and said, “Mom, it was so gross…….they were kissing so much that it looked like he was trying to inhale her from the inside out!” So, the whole family is now upset; this boy is not of their religion and the parents have forbid her to see him. (You can imagine how effective that demand was, right?) So, now we have this young couple sneaking around and lying to her parents about her whereabouts.

When we push away our daughter’s boyfriend, we push away our daughter, as well, and right into the arms of the one person you’d rather she not have feelings for. You’ve heard the saying, “Keeping your friends close and your enemy’s closer?” Invite your child’s boyfriend or girlfriend over to dinner. Dad, look that young man in the eyes of be very clear about what your expectations are of him when he’s with your daughter. Fear and clear information are wonderful motivators.

This daughter was finally able to say to her father, “Can’t you hear me. I’m afraid of sex….I don’t want to have sex before I get married. So now why don’t you help me achieve that Dad instead of just being a jerk and pushing Ryan and me away?”

Define “Sex” Without the Shame

Many teens don’t think that oral or anal sex is sex at all. “If it isn’t intercourse than it isn’t sex.” Although parents may be hesitant to discuss specific sexual behaviors with their teens, it’s crucial that they do. With oral sex, while we can guarantee that there won’t be a pregnancy, we can’t guarantee that there won’t be a Sexually Transmitted Disease.

Be clear with your teen that what they see in videos, television shows or movies is NOT how sex always is. A married couple who met when they were 16 or 17 shared how their first sexual experience together was “really stupid.” They were embarrassed, it was uncomfortable, they felt bad because it wasn’t how either of them had been raised. It is never too late to have a different experience. If your child has experimented with sex, don’t shame them; they need you now more than ever. My mother beautifully handled a situation with me when I was 18 and had my first boyfriend. I remember kissing Mike Johnson for the first time our senior year and I thought, “Wow… what is this THIS feeling? This is amazing.” I enjoyed kissing Mike hello and goodbye…it never occurred to us to do more than that (at least it didn’t occur to me, anyway, because I was clear about the path I wanted and withholding sex for marriage included was part of direction.)

I was mortified when one day I noticed a red mark on my neck…..I was so ashamed because I associated red marks with loose girls. Concealers and turtlenecks became my ally for a few days. However, shortly after the appearance of this shameful hickey, I was on a walk with my mom and she suddenly turned to me and stopped dead in her tracks and said, “Your neck!” And, I said, “My neck!” Here was the crossroads of all crossroads. My mother could have shamed me and forbid me to see Mike Johnson again. But she didn’t; and her softened understanding response and instruction made all the difference in my view of myself and opened up more dialoguing about my first relationship.

Engage Newton’s Third Law

Your teens are learning about Newtown’s third law in science class at school. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. It is not too far a stretch to relate this to your lives in other ways. Discuss the consequences of sexual behavior. Some outcomes are wonderful when they happen at the right time and under the right circumstances. Pregnancy is wonderful when you’re all grown up and married; it is difficult at best when you’re a teenager. Your life will not be ruined but it will be forever altered with the decisions you make now.

Along the lines of actions….I have a message especially for fathers of daughters. It’s not all uncommon for a man to notice the beautiful development of his daughter; the female body is lovely. But in the noticing of his daughter, there can be an automatic shameful response that says, “I must be a pervert to even notice these new curves on my own daughter. There must be something wrong with me.” The response to the shame then is to reject his daughter, avoid hugging her, and even project his own shameful feelings onto her. When she no longer feels her father’s adoration, she can start looking for another place to feel that warm, loving comfort.

Bottom line: Preparing your teens to make smart decisions about sex is also preparing them to make smart decisions about life. Help them to be confident in their ability to stand up for themselves, make their own decisions and act on them, and they’ll be ready to strongly face the world.

As the Utah Marriage Commission, we are partners with the Relate Institute that allows you to take the Relate Inventory and get a report about your relationship for free! RELATE is an on-line relationship questionnaire designed to provide you with research-based feedback about how you are doing in your relationship. It is the only existing questionnaire with feedback that has been scientifically proven to help couples improve their relationship health. Each partner completes the questionnaire individually and then and within minutes a report is generated. The report includes graphs and texts to help couples discuss the important issues relevant to their relationship. It also helps couples recognize strengths, discover resources, identify potential problems, and open a dialogue about their values, attitudes and beliefs about marriage.

If you’d like the help of a facilitator to interpret your report and or to work with you on more in-depth issues, consider Couple Care, also offered on the Strongermarriage.org website.

Relate and Couple Care is a powerful combination! It is designed to help couples work through potential problems in their backgrounds, improve communication, manage conflict, improve intimacy, and learn to address problems before they become difficult to overcome. There are 6 units; couples first watch a DVD, work through activities for that unit and discuss their experience with a trained professional facilitator by phone or Internet. Relate/Couple Care usually costs $300.00 but for Utah residents it’s free! Why wouldn’t we take advantage of a free, key tool that could set us up for success.

C. Jane started blogging in 2005 to open up about her infertility challenges. She writes at C. Jane Enjoy It. C. Jane is a mother of two and a columnist for the Deseret News.

http://blog.cjanerun.com/

It’s natural for children to express their emotions. How you react to those emotions, in that moment, can help determine whether or not your child will learn to handle her emotions in a healthy way. Psychologist, Dr. Liz Hale, has five responses that will increase your child’s emotional intelligence. If you want to be a good and effective parent, know this: Love is not enough! A longitudinal study emerged from examining the strength of the emotional bonds between parents and children in a very detailed laboratory setting out of the University of Washington, under the direction of Dr. John Gottman. Emerging from this research was a group of successful children whose parents did five very simple and natural things when their children were emotional. The outcome of children who had experienced this type of “emotional coaching” from their parents were on an entirely different development trajectory than the children of other parents.

The Emotion-Coaching parents had children who later became what Daniel Goldman calls “emotionally intelligent” people. Emotionally coached children are able to regulate their own emotional states; and, they are better at soothing themselves and calming a racing heart when upset. Because of the superior performance in calming their physiology, children who received emotional coaching from their parents also reported fewer infectious illnesses. They were better at focusing attention. They related better to other people, even in the tough social situations like teasing. They were better at understanding people. They had better friendships with other children. They also performed better academically.

When parents offer children honest empathy and help them cope with negative feelings like anger, sadness, and fear, parents build bridges of loyalty and affection. Compliance, obedience and responsibility come from a sense of love and connectedness children feel in their home. Emotional interactions among family members become the foundation for instilling values and raising moral people. Children behave according to family standards because they understand with their hearts that good behavior is expected; that living right is all part of belonging to our family.

There is a key cornerstone to emotion coaching: Empathy. Imagine growing up in a home, (and some of us did), where your parents expected you to always be cheerful, happy and calm. In this home, sadness and anger are wrong and seen as signs of failure. Mom and Dad get anxious anytime you’re in one of your “dark moods.” They tell you that they prefer you to be optimistic; “look on the bright side,” never complain, forget yourself, never speak ill of anyone or anything. Since you want to please your parents you do your best to live up to their expectations.

So, at dinner, your dad asks, “How was school today?”

Your response? “Fine.”

Relieved, he says, “Good, good….Pass the butter.”

What are the dangers of growing up in make-believe home? First, you learn that you are not like your parents; they don’t seem to have any of the bad and dangerous feelings that you do. You learn that because you have the feelings, you’re the problem. You learn that it doesn’t make sense to talk to your parents about your true inner life. And that makes you lonely. You also learn that as long as you feign cheerfulness, everyone gets along just fine.

This gets complicated, especially as you age and you discover that life is not easy. Still, you’re not supposed to feel all those bad feelings. So you become a master at covering up. Better yet, you do your best not to feel. You avoid situations that lead to conflict, anger and pain. You avoid intimate human bonds.

5 Healthy Responses to Children’s (and others’!) Natural Emotions

1) Recognize the Emotion

2) Increase Intimacy with Emotion

3) Listen for & Validate Emotion

4) Label Emotion

5) Set Limits with Emotion

The Internet provides a constant, ever-changing source of information and entertainment. E-mail, blogs, and Facebook and Twitter Accounts allow for both public and private communication about any topic. But how much is too much?

The degree of Internet use is specific to the individual. You may need to use the Internet extensively for your work, or you might rely heavily on social networking sites to keep in touch with faraway family and friends. Spending a lot of time online only becomes a problem when you feel more comfortable with your online friends than your real ones, or you can’t stop yourself from playing games, gambling or compulsively surfing. If your compulsive Internet use continues despite the negative consequences in your offline life, then it’s time to strike a new balance.

There is a hot debate in the medical community about the validity of “computer addiction.” Many psychological experts believe over-use of the computer is a compulsive behavior linked to an underlying condition, and not something that should be classified as an “addiction.” No matter what we call it, computer obsessions are problematic to marriage, family and career, and need to be taken seriously. (I sometimes wonder if it’s an Intimacy problem; not an Internet problem.)

CLICK THE RE-START BUTTON

S ~ SHIFT

T ~ TIME

A ~ ABSTAIN

R ~ REMIND

T ~ TALK

S: SHIFT: Be willing to shift around and disrupt your normal routine. For instance, if you’re always checking e-mail first thing in the morning, shift things around by taking a shower first, stat breakfast, sit down with the kids, get ready for the day and THEN check your e-mail.

T: TIME: Time yourself. Using an alarm clock or egg timer, preset an alarm near the computer and when the bell sounds, immediately log off.

A: ABSTAIN: Certain applications are triggers for Internet obsessions. Chat rooms, interactive games, news groups or the World Wide Web are often the most problematic. It is not unusual for me to meet someone who needs to give up their Facebook account because it is deteriorating their in-person relationships. However, they continue to use the Internet for far less interesting activities, like ordering airline tickets or shopping for a used car.

R: REMINDER: Consider using reminder cards by your computer regarding the losses caused by your on-line obsession versus the benefits gained by controlling them. Some common losses are time spent with spouse and family, arguments at home, problems at work, or failing grades. Some of the gains acquired by monitoring and controlling Internet usage might be spending more time with family and friends, improving productivity at work, and advancing in career or school.

T: TALK “THERAPY”: Some clients have been driven towards addictive use of the Internet due to a lack of real life social support, especially among those who are homemakers, singles, disabled, or retired. Talk therapy may include one-one-one cognitive behavioral therapy with a qualified clinician; or joining a 12-step support group; or, socializing with an interpersonal support group such as a singles group, bowling league, ceramics class, or church group.

Building real-life relationships is the answer when it comes to addressing maladaptive cognitions that lead to computer-use obsessions. Releasing social inhibitions and the need for pseudo-companionship sets you free to live an authentic, free and intimate life.

When children are little, parents rule. But as kids grow into teenagers, friends often take priority over parents.In their shocking and sometimes frightening behavior, teenagers are telling us everything we need to know, not just about them, but about ourselves. What we see in today’s teens is actually a reflection of what’s going on in the adult world – the good and the bad. Dr. Liz Hale is here to tell us more about that and what causes teens to turn away from their parents, embracing instead, their second family and how we need to work with and compete against this powerful force.

If you see what’s going on in our adult world, you’ll see that teens are dealing with the same complexities …… only amplified. As we are victims of a consumer culture, often going in debt to prove our worth and satisfy our wants, our children are stricken by “the gimmees,” feeling entitled to the artifacts of pop culture just because “they are.”

As we over schedule our days and become more dismissive of and distant from each other, our children are disengaging from us at earlier and earlier ages, as well. As we chose career over family and spend increasing amounts of time away from home, children are also spending more and more time away from home, choosing peers over parents to the point of inhabiting an alternate second family.

As we seek relief from stress by drinking or taking prescribed medications or overindulging in natural remedies, children are altering their chemistry, too, experimenting with drugs and alcohol at alarmingly young ages. And, as advertising as become highly sexualized and pornography is widespread, our children are becoming sexually active and highly experimental, too; a majority of adolescents will have had sex prior to graduating from high school.

If you look carefully into the life of a teen, you will see a distorted and exaggerated view of the person you are. Some trends have become positively progressive while others, alienating and dangerous.

Who makes up the second family; and is it good or not so good?

The second family provides both…it can be cruel and competitive as well as supportive and secure. The key is to maintain firm footing as the first and primary family in your child’s life; embrace the second family and welcome it into your home. This other family is your informant and the key to the heart of your child.

EMBRACING THE SECOND FAMILY

Resist Dismissing Naive Beliefs

It’s hard to resist what you don’t recognize. I’m paid NOT to be an ostrich. Kids will often tell me that their parents often don’t have a clue what they’re up to. I know that children tell bold-faced lies to their parents; they watch programs and DVD’s that their parents have no idea they watch; furthermore, they have traditions and behaviors that only they and their fellow peers are privy to. You may say, “Not my child.” To that, I say, “Yes, even your child….even my child.” Don’t take anything at face value; check up on your kids. See that they are where they say they are; pay attention to their music and movie/TV selections. Watch with them. Children 7-years of age and older engage in media without their parents more than 95% of the time. Say to your teen, “Honey, my checking up on things has nothing to do with you and whether or not you’re a good kid; it has everything to do with me wanting to be a good parent!” If you don’t capture your children’s attention and allegiance at an early age, another collective force of peers and pop culture will!

Indulge in Undivided Attention & Rules

Moral values are on a sliding scale; parents waffle over their ethics. Stand firm. Believe it or not, kids often tell us that there are NOT enough rules at home and that they don’t get enough of their parents, one-on-one. Laissez faire parenting stems from the fact that parents are skittish about being “in charge” of their kids. Too often we give respect but fail to demand it in equal measure. What happens to kids when they don’t get the kind of direct, personal attention they need from their parents? To whom do they turn when they realize that the adults in their life lack the confidence to guide them and reign them in? The second family offers not only excitement and instant gratification but identity, belonging and rituals.

Hold an Open House, Always

Do your best to maintain that balance between setting limits and knowing when to hold back. Have clear expectations of your child and their friends, mixed with a genuine interest in what they think and do. When your child’s friends want to be with you, your child becomes more receptive to your guidance as well. If you want to make your home one that kids will flock to, be a parental presence, not a buddy, and communicate directly with your children’s friends. It is a burden for a teen to have to be responsible for making their friends conform to his or her parents’ rules. When you can tell the peers what’s expected from you face-to-face, so everyone knows the score, it keeps your child from feeling in the middle.

Balance Expectations with Empathy

Privileges and privacy are not developmental – they are to be earned. Space and property are open to occasional inspection. Earning adult trust and being held accountable helps teens improve their judgment. Instead of accepting that privacy is an absolute right, never to be violated, let them know that, as is the case with most privileges in life, one needs to earn rewards. Ignore the old guidelines that teenagers need “space.” Be clear about what you expect and take heed when those standards are not being met. When we adults are empathic, when we listen without the lecture, adolescents will let us in.

Do Sweat the Small Stuff
When specific expectations are not met, deal with the small infractions before they turn into serious offenses. It’s the small details that not only tell us whether a teen is on the skids but will give us ample opportunities to increase empathy and create realistic expectations. We need to make time! When you promptly address what’s happening in your child’s life, tell him or her what you expect, and then haggle over the specifics, it’s then that you are most likely to connect. It’s as if you hit the “pause” button to break through the frenzied pace of daily life and really get through to your child. And, because kids want increased privileges and freedom from you at those times, they will be more open to talking. If, on the other hand, you don’t ask kids to earn your trust, they will have no need or motivation to discuss anything with you. They’ll simply rush out, slip off, or fly through the open door into the comforting arms of the second family.

Throughout his 25-year career as a high-powered traveling salesman and CEO of a large corporation, this man has remained faithful to his wife and children because he has always wanted to do so. The opportunities for sexual indiscretions, he said, had been too numerous to count.

I found his words compelling: “I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror. I want to be able to face my family and have them always think of me as a ‘solid man.’”

It was riveting to hear him speak candidly about his fast-paced career in and out of cities throughout the world and how invitations for extra-marital flings came from single and married women alike. Was it his high-earning income that attracted these women to him? Was it his wedding ring (yes, some women are drawn in by the fact that a married man likely won’t be asking for more than a little fun)?

When I work with nearly and newly married couples on how to strengthen their relationships and protect their marriages from infidelity, more often than not they dismiss my pleas for rehearsing a “fidelity fire drill.” They often roll their eyes and say, “Ha! That would never happen to us!”

My advice? When a fire begins to burn, get yourself out of the building immediately and phone for help.

One of my colleagues, Peggy Vaughn, has made a living out of her husband’s affairs. She has studied, written on and survived the sordid details of a complicated, painful journey of infidelity.

“Society pays lip service to monogamy but supports infidelity,” she writes in my favorite book on the matter, “Monogamy Myth.”

Our wedding vows don’t keep us safe. Weddings held in a temple, synagogue or adorned cathedral don’t keep us safe. Threats to kill, malign, or otherwise cause physical or financial harm don’t keep us safe.

What does?

Maintain honesty. According to Vaughn, a commitment to responsible honesty will help keep us safe. When someone catches our eye or clouds your judgment, promptly turn and tell. There is something about shining the light on a dark, titillating secret corner that suddenly makes it less so (everyone looks better by moonlight and worse by flashlight).

Embrace monotony. Regardless of the solidity of our home, no one is immune to the threat of it catching on fire. However, when a fire is caught the moment it ignites and is doused with the quick aid of an extinguisher, little damage is done. However, if the fire is left unattended and/or unnoticed, the structure can burn to the ground, destroying all the walls and contents. It may even kill loved ones living inside.

Affairs are the same.

The heat of a roaring flame causes excitement compared to the humdrum boring, typical day when no alarms, bells and whistles sound.

Avoid old loves. Current technology of social networking and search engines bless our lives with the ability to market us and re- establish long-lost friends throughout all 24 time zones. While innocent enough, past connections are like silent embers still burning beneath ashened timbers (they actually burn even hotter than flames themselves).

It appears that our neurochemistry may store memories of young, vital loving feelings free of adult worries and complications. So, if I were to hear from Mike Johnson, my one true love from my 1981 Senior Prom, that rush of hormones and happy teenage tingles would surely accompany his email. Those feelings and emotions would catch me so off guard that I would erroneously think he is my soulmate. After all, he is so much more attractive than the man whom I may be currently arguing with over the credit card bill.

As a married couple, join your profiles on Facebook so there is no doubt of your marital commitment to the world; share your passwords and communication exchanges with friends with each other so there is no dangerous re-ignition that you or your spouse could ever be burned by.

We are all vulnerable to infidelity. Whether we are married or single, protecting the sanctity of the marriage and family bond belongs to all of us. Whenever we hear about the illicit sexual affairs of another, we should be careful in our judgment, forgive those who sin differently than we do, and get busy rehearsing our own five-alarm drill.

www.utahcoalition.org

The Utah Coalition Against Pornography is recognized nationally for its efforts to protect children and families from pornography and other harmful material. For over a decade, UCAP has united various agencies and organizations who seek to establish and maintain standards of decency in our communities and promote safety for children and families. As part of its efforts, UCAP hosts conferences and other educational forums for parents, individuals, community leaders and ecclesiastical leaders, as well as providing educational materials, such as DVD’s and books, other resources, information, and hope to the community.

The focus of this conference is to bring the efforts of UCAP to people throughout the state of Utah and surrounding communities. Presentations will address the issues of pornography and other harmful material that threaten the foundation of stable life for individuals, families, and communities. The purpose of this conference is to educate people about problems related to pornography, provide resources and support, and teach people what they can do to promote community standards that will safeguard children and families.

No matter how hard you try, there are some things you just can’t control. But you can cope. Get expert advice on how to cope when you feel overwhelmed.

Life isn’t fair or easy, but there are ways to cope. I often think of “The Serenity Prayer” as my own “sanity prayer.” It takes sharpening acceptance skills for those things in life that can’t be controlled or changed; it takes great courage to feel the fear and make changes with the things that CAN be controlled or changed; and wisdom to recognize which is which.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

PHYSICAL ILLNESS/LIMITATIONS:

Sometimes, no matter how well we eat or otherwise take good care of ourselves, arthritis, cancer or other debilitating diseases may strike! Life isn’t fair and it isn’t easy; the more we embrace that truth the more doable life becomes. I was inspired by my sister who was diagnosed nearly 20 years ago with Rheumatoid Arthritis. Once past the shock and the initial education about RA, she started a support group for others struggling with arthritis when she found there were few resources. This wasn’t a gripe-group; it was a quality-of-life group. Their meetings revolved around guest speakers, such as RA physicians and researchers providing updates in the field and new medications; and physical and occupational therapists came in to show how to perform daily tasks that were easier on joints, and demonstrated clever new tools on the market for opening jars or bottles. Podiatrists came in to share proper foot alignment and recommended certain orthotics and brand-names that individuals with RA could look to for comfortable and healthy foot support.

CRITICISM & REJECTION:

Just how early in life do we learn that not everyone is going to accept or like us? EARLY! Either our older sibling forbids us to play with their toys, or the neighbor across the street makes fun of our lisp or how we throw a ball, or we don’t get accepted onto the high school sports team or we don’t get invited into the sorority of our choice on the college campus, or someone doesn’t reciprocate our affection, or we don’t get the job, raise, home, etc.

Adopt a mantra that you can sink your teeth into, such as, “Every closed door points me in right direction.” Or, “This only means there’s something better around the corner!” It’s also insightful to ask, “What could I learn from this? Is there something I could do differently or is it more about finding a better match for me?”

Surround yourself with inspirational stories about Walt Disney, Einstein, Thomas Edison, Abe Lincoln, or Babe Ruth, to remind you that a “no” is a stepping stone, as well as a rite of passage to great things.

CHILDREN….OF ANY AGE!

Have you ever tried to win a power-struggle with a 3-year-old; you simply can’t! However, what you can do is re-direct or re-focus their attention, i.e., “Look at that cute little kitty outside walking down the sidewalk; I wonder where he lives?” Or, you can let them be angry and disappointed, i.e., “I don’t blame you for preferring to play with a knife over a spoon; it looks much more interesting but it will hurt you and I love you too much to let that happen.” Sometimes, you’re simply soothing yourself with these words.

I was talking to a lovely mother of an adolescent boy recently. She was concerned over how much affirming her son needed from her. He would often ask, “Do I look O.K? Are you sure my hair looks good? What do you think about this outfit?” Much of this comes with adolescence; the insecurity, self-discovery, wanting acceptance from others….it’s a tough road for most.

What this mother could do, however, is say, “I will always be honest with you; I like it……how do you feel? What do you think? I see you as handsome young man with beautiful eyes…but what do you think?” We can feed into someone’s insecurities by reassuring them again and again or we can say, “Honey, I already answered that question. Now, it’s your turn.” We can offer, provide, educate, lead…but not force a child or anyone else for that matter.

ANOTHER’S CHOICES OR AGENCY:

My spouse may choose to stay addicted to alcohol; I can choose to stay married to an addict or make a new decision for my life, but I cannot change another’s decisions. Same with infidelity. I can remain with someone who has been unfaithful and work through it together, or I can make a new decision and leave the marriage.

JUDGMENTS:

Let’s say someone judges us as mistrusting. How much of that has to do with them and how much of it has to do with me? I don’t know. Usually, what you could accuse me of, I could find it if I look for it. For instance, I could find where I didn’t keep my word, or failed to remember a birthday or appointment. If someone mistrusts me, I can only do so much to control that. My heart goes out to them, however, because I know how uncomfortable and afraid I feel when I don’t trust. It’s a terrible feeling. What helps me remain free from being offended by another’s judgments is by letting them have their beliefs, feel empathy for those beliefs, and live my life in a way that I’m most proud of.

Someday, you and I won’t be here. When we face something outside our control or ability to change, just how important is it?

When impacting differences hit close to the heart, such as in your own extended family unit, they become especially hard to resolve. Not every family member is going to see and experience life’s issues the same way.

Let’s take a common but grueling difference: politics. Let’s say you’re a conservative Republican marrying into a Liberal Democratic family?

FIND COMMON GROUND
Instead of going nose to nose and toe to toe over politics, find what you do share in common (and sometimes you really have to dig deep!) Sometimes the best you can do is say, “I love that we are both so passionate over politics. I appreciate how strongly you love this country and care deeply about its roots and its future. I LOVE that about you!”

· Another common fall-out occurs when a couple tries and to join two partial families; differences oftencome between step-parents and step-children.

MEMORIZE MENTAL MANTRA
Words are powerful, even when they’re unspoken. There is a powerful Hawaiian mantra that became famous for healing an entire psychiatric unit in Hawaii. It’s called Ho’Oponono. The manta is simply, “I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you!” When we take 100% of responsibility of our lives it is powerful!

· In our own families we often marvel just how different we are in style and personality, yet we share the same gene pool! How can we bridge the gap when, for instance, my relative sees everything as black-and-white and I see everything as grey?

LISTEN WITHOUT LECTURING
When we have a discussion with family members and their view and anxiety is heightened, it would do me no good, and would certainly harm the relationship, if I said, “Would you just calm down! Everything is going to be all right! We’ll figure this out! RELAX!” Instead, I have to soothe my own tendencies, take deep breaths, and just listen and say, “I can see your point”. Almost without fail, the unopposed side self-corrects. In other words, you’ll often hear, “But, I guess it’s not that bad; it could certainly be worse.

· Parents often feel they should continue to guide and instruct their children even after their children become parents. It can be difficult to manage differing views between generations and in-laws.

“YOU COULD BE RIGHT!”
When someone says, “I think you’re doing it wrong….” whatever the subject matter is, the only response I suggest is, “You could be right”. You could leave it at that or, if you’re curious to understand and hear more you could say, “And tell me more about your suggestion?” Good people disagree! Both parenting and disciplining techniques could be effective. Your family member could be right; and they could be wrong. However, when our automatic response is “stay out of this; I’m the parent here,” it breeds content and malice. You are not the only one who has a new title following the birth of your child. Be curious not furious with another’s advice. When you adopt a “they-could-be-right belief,” you are open to conversation and exchange; otherwise, the door slams shut on the dialogue AND your heart.

· Whatever we focus on grows and loving another speaks more about us than them.

LOVE BECAUSE YOU LOVE
Love because YOU love, not because someone earned or deserves it. Everyone you meet is in some way your Superior. Find it and focus on it. Speak to others about it. Your own inner ear is always eavesdropping. Whatever comes out of your mouth, others hear and so do you! You can soften or harden your feelings towards another by what you speak about them. When a person loves, it speaks more about them than the object of their love. When a person hates, it speaks more about them than the object of their hate.

Of course we have differing biology! The truth is that most sex differences start out small – as mere biases in temperament and play style -but are amplified as children’s pink or blue tinted brains meet out gender-infused culture; including tea parties, wrestling matches, cafeteria drama, playground scraps that dominate a girl’s versus a boy’s existence.

Obviously, girls and boys are not identical at birth: genetic and hormonal differences must launch the male and female brain down somewhat different developmental pathways. But it’s early experience, we now know, that permanently alters the chemistry and function of the genes inside cells, leading to significant effects on behavior. Bottom line: peers and parents perpetuate gender norms.

Boys and girls are different, but most psychological sex differences are not especially large. For example, gaps in verbal skills, math performance, empathy and even most types of aggression are generally much smaller than the disparity in adult height, in which the average five-foot, 10-inch man is taller than 99 percent of women. When it comes to mental abilities, males and females overlap much more than they stand apart.

Furthermore, few of these sex differences are as fixed, or hardwired, as popular accounts have lately portrayed. Genes and hormones light the spark for most boy-girl differences, but the flame is strongly fanned by the essentially separate cultures in which boys and girls grow up. Appreciating how sex differences emerge can reduce dangerous stereotyping and give parents and teachers ideas for cross-training boys’ and girls’ minds, to minimize their more troubling discrepancies and enable all children to more fully develop their diverse talents.

With all the bright and experienced minds in this world, it would seem that we could get definitive answers. Of course, we do have answers. So what is the problem? Why do we have so many misunderstandings and disappointments in our communication with our mates if we have the answers? Is it that we don’t like the answers? Maybe. Is it that we don’t understand the answers? Probably.

We think we understand but we understand through gender filters.

We interpret our mate’s communications (words, body language and meanings) through our own experience and goals. Of course, you say, how else could we respond? Well, as humans, we have the ability to empathize, to imagine and put ourselves in another person’s shoes. What do we do if we meet someone from another culture and we want to understand and be understood? We would probably want to consider what is important to that person so we would not offend or insult them. We would ask questions and clarify to make sure we understood one another.

WATCH OUT! FOR SIMILARITIES

1) Need for Friendship

The importance of friendship is often overlooked in marriage although it is equally important to men and women. All of the masters of marriage (couples in happy, long-term relationships) who have been studied talk about friendship in marriage and how loving and lovemaking is an extension of that friendship. Seventy percent of the passion, romance and sex for men stem from friendship; the percentage is even higher for women. When we have “friendship” within the marriage, it enables us to store emotional savings in the bank that makes repair attempts work following a fight or disagreement.

2). Need for Effective Repair Attempts

In real life we all occasionally do something thoughtless, hurtful and just plain dumb! When negative interaction occurs and you sense that you or both of you are escalating and losing control it is important to de-escalate and repair the interaction. This is particularly important for the men. Dr. John Gottman found that in stable, successful marriages the husband tended to make repair attempts when things were getting too heated. These men did not lose control when they responded to their wives expressions of anger, disappointment, hurt; they were able to calm themselves down. Their pulse rate actually went back toward normal and they expressed a quiet concern for their sweetheart. They did not become cold and stonewall or lose their temper. This self-calming by husbands and the desire to positively respond to their wife had a calming effect on both spouses. Obviously, if the wife is the one who is prone to lose her temper and escalate then utilize repair attempts, self-calming and sharing a positive concern for her husband would be needed. Needless to say, when one spouse begins to self-calm the other spouse should take the cue, accept the message and respond accordingly. Click HERE for marriage repair checklist

2) Need for a Love Map

One of the best ways to nurture friendship is to keep a richly detailed “Love Map.” That’s the term for the imaginary place in your mind where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life – their dreams, aspirations, worries and fears. Couples with love maps remember the major events in each other histories, and they continue to update the map as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world changes.

Love maps are about knowing your partner and being known. One of the most important things in marriage is being and staying interested in your partner and keeping your partner interested in you. No gimmick, like flowers, candy, nights away, will work unless your partner’s genuinely interested in you and their face lights up when you enter the room.

3) Need for Anger Expression & Management

In a good marriage, anger is like putting the italics or emphasis on something. The masters of marriages deal differently with anger than people in troubled marriages, and they accept their partner’s personalities. Anger is a healthy emotion and is not seen as hostile as long as there is no personal attack. If anger is not expressed, it can be destructive. Sadly, some men and women get out of control; almost anything can make them angry and their anger can escalate into belligerence. The mismanagement of anger is one of the top causes of divorce.

4) Need for Common Ground

Only about 1/3 of American husbands accept influence from their wives. Men need to especially look for areas of common ground with their wives. This is not about become a wimp; it’s about a man saying, “Yes, I agree with you on this, but not that!” A man can’t be powerful unless he allows himself to be influenced; there is needed reciprocity. The competent man accepts influence and becomes influential. In abusive relationships, men have little or no influence over their wives. They rule by fear, not influence. A good marriage has give-and-take. The reason most men are unwilling to accept influence from their wives is likely cultural. We have been raised with a critical culture that often tells us “No!” When you take that kind of culture into a family, it is very destructive. Creating a substitute culture of pride, honor and praise is vital to a successful marriage and family!

The United States Human Genome Project was a study coordinated under President Clinton by the Department of Energy and the National Institutes of Health to determine the DNA variations among us for the purpose of diagnosing, treating, and one day preventing the thousands of disorders that affect us. The study determined that there are about 25,000 genes in human DNA; and that the human genome sequence is almost exactly the same (99.9%) in all people. While different genes for physical traits such as skin and hair color can be identified between individuals, no consistent pattern of genes across the human genome exist to distinguish us one from another. With the exception of extremely isolated populations, like the pygmy tribes in Africa, we are more alike than different.

At a time when our world has more heightened divisions of political affiliations and religions, it is refreshing to go beyond the labels and affirm that we’re more similar than different. There are many personality tests that determine whether we are red or blue, extrinsic or intrinsic, or in this quadrant or that quadrant. While we may have distinct preferences or “leanings,” that doesn’t mean we can’t re-orient our behavior into other areas; it may just not come as naturally.

Perhaps more important, we should also be asking ourselves why we as a society are so emotionally invested in this research. Will it— or should it—make any difference in the way we perceive ourselves and others or how we live our lives and allow others to live theirs?Perhaps the answers to the most salient questions in this debate lie not within the biology of human brains but rather in the cultures those brains have created.

Whatever we focus on grows! If you and I are going to myopically see only our differences, that will divide us. The key to understanding and enhancing human connections is seeing, like our genomes, where we, or our circumstances, are similar:

SEEING “I” to “I”

WE ALL HAVE SIMILAR DESIRES TO:

FIND ACCEPTANCE
While we might initially think that bullies are quite different than the victims of bullying, they actually may share similar outlooks and difficulties. In a recent study, it appears that victims and bullies both have poor problem-solving skills within social situations. Typical bullies have negative attitudes toward others, feel badly about themselves, and most likely, grew up in a home with conflict. Victims seem to share some of those same characteristics. The dividing line, however, appears to be around academics. Youth who become bullies report that they dislike school, and they tend to perform worse academically that those who later become victims. So where is the benefit in all this? Recognizing similarities in opposition breeds hope.Especially for the victim. When we fail to see others as superior,and ourselves as inferior, we can start to behave and interact with more secure authenticity.

LOVE & BE LOVED
But the reality is we often feel broken, incapable or faulty. In psychotherapy, I often hear clients say, “No one has it as bad as I do.” Or, “No one understands how bad my childhood was.” Or, “I’m the only one who has ever thought such terrible, obscure thoughts.” The reality is, you can be guarantee that if you have a particular thought ~ it’s not the first time it’s been “thunk! ” We are not all that different! When you look at the continuum of self-loving versus self-loathing, they are opposite ends of the same principle: self-awareness or self-absorption! If we feel down on ourselves and look at others who seems to feel so confident and happy, it’s not that they are self-loving as much as they are other-loving. The focus is not on them!

EXPERIENCE EQUALITY
There is more sameness in physical ability and endurance, such as in running, than previously thought! First, let me explain the differences. Men have larger muscle mass and greater lung capacity enabling them to run faster and longer distances than women. However, females ought not to feel weaker to their male running counterparts. Through training and consistent running, women are able to rapidly catch up to men. This is due to the fact that a positive change in fitness shows up faster in women’s bodies than men’s, equalizing the running field, so to speak! And, according to the American Psychological Association, over a 20 year period, our two genders are similar in personality, communication, cognitive ability, and leadership than previously realized. (We’ll talk more about gender similarities and differences next week!)

MAKE A DIFFERENCE
A common complaint I hear among my friends who are teachers is that parents fail to recognize the importance of children attending school when school is in, and that there is a need to postpone family vacations during school breaks. These teachers express a responsibility for every child’s learning and that by simultaneously teaching all their students their students not only learn with each other but from each other. The other side is that well-meaning, loving parents want their children to experience the world and create strong family memories that will last a lifetime. What is the commonality between teachers and parents? They both care about doing an upstanding job! Parents who can place themselves in the shoes of teachers can assist either by planning vacations during breaks or help with assignment gathering and make-up homework following in-school vacations. Teachers can utilize a student’s family vacation as a way to help facilitate learning in the classroom. If a family is going to Hawaii, the student may be asked to bring back seashells for every classmate in preparation for a science or geology lab.

FIND MEANING
Or, Catholic versus Mormon.Or, Republican versus Democrat. There are more similarities than dissimilarities. (the Human Genome Study proves it!) We may tell ourselves we don’t understand or even like the views of another person but the tragedy comes from the unwillingness to listen…and to find the common emotions, feelings and perspectives. Most people are good; most people want to love and be loved; most people want to instill strong values in their children; and, most people care about the future of their grandchildren. There is variety in unity; we just need to find the unity in our variety.